This is a story of love versus cocaine…
My life with my husband began with a simple dream, blossomed into a beautiful life and then went to Hell because of cocaine addiction. The man I loved, and who once loved me, is gone. Although there is no headstone to give me closure, I feel like a widow.
There is no difference between me and most people married to an addict, except that I am writer. I chose to deal with my pain the only way I knew how. I never knew if love or drugs would win in the end. It began as a journal and became the only place I could run to. I had no idea that it would become a story that in the end, wrote itself.
Let mine be a cautionary tale.
NOTE: There are two ways to read my journal: chronologically, beginning with Chapter 01, or by following my most recent posts through the Blog section.
I’m not sure how I came across your blog. I actually just got back from a counselor, and we discussed my ex- wife’s cocaine addiction. Two years ago, we separated and divorced. I have never stopped loving her through that, and have always remained in touch. Now, I’m seeing her again and its so hard to know. Your stories are exactly like mine. The money, stealing, even the wedding ring missing one month after our separation. Certainly they must love us, but I guess we can’t understand addiction. Cocaine, in particular seems to have this exact story. Loss of money and lying are the big part and then of course just wondering how someone that loves you so much can do this. Within a couple weeks of moving out my ex had met a man to do coke with and had a baby with him. That was seriously devastating after 12 years of marriage without kids. Still, I want to get her back and fix her. Love is powerful, but not as powerful. I’d like to keep up with your stories and let you know how mine goes. Lets hope for happy endings.
Thank you. I am soo glad that I found you. I wish I couldn’t relate, but I understand every word….. Mine just left us on father’s day. We gave him lovely cards- the four kids and I. I didn’t see it coming…. But he hadn’t come home the night before – a horrible bottom hitting night for both of us and we both knew he needed to leave to get sober. He actually wanted to go -well- we are pretty much out of money so that makes sense.
he left me with the kids and a big financial mess and a new house in a family neighborhood- and a broken family.
Our boys are little- 4 and 7= and Daddy stopped tucking them in and reading them stories and somehow I am supposed to fill in the blanks? They miss him. I miss him.
My 10 year old girl helps some- but she is confused as to where her Daddy is too- she knows more than a 10 year old should. She is not done being a child and doesn’t need grown up responsibilities. She shuts herself in the room at night and I do my juggle of getting the other three to bed. they usually sleep in my room- It is all too much to handle and he doesn’t want to have them all either.
He is in rehab- and does not want to come home. he is a different man than I knew. His father abandonded him and he doesn’t see that he is doing the same. I am scared and angry and sad.
My faith in God is skeptical at best- I had been a church regular- but I feel abandoned by HIM. I have seen devestation which doesn’t always get answered by prayers. I know blah blah…HIS plan for us- not our plan for us. Well- that is fine to a point. But when HIS plan involves taking me down the cheesegrater of life- while I see others living in relatively stable conditions- I start to get a little uncooperative. I realize no one’s life is ideal- but surely if God loves me he has a better plan than this?! Maybe I will find a “better” man someday- but then why the heck did HE lead me to this one? and let me make all these kids with him and have a wonderful life with him -just to take it away and have us go through all this pain? No, I believe in reality. It just happened due to choices that were made. Yes- cloudy choices at times. and yes- maybe a higher power can help guide us out of the mess- but really- you gotta do most of the work- and I want some credit for that!
I will be OK. I am going on day by day. unsure of what is next- will it get worse before it gets better? probably. I am scared, but take baby steps through it all.
Wishing peace and serenity to others out there. This is a tough road and real life doesn’t always have happy endings.
I am praying love wins.
It didn’t.
I was hoping you’d find a love that cannot lose, even when we do.
I have, but it is the love between me and my son, not my husband.
free from Cocaine 25 years
Hi,
Just came across your blog….I have been where you’ve been and are where you are….The trust is gone and I can’t get it back. I am faced at night with the reality of finding the difference between letting go and giving up. I just want my children to be safe and happy. I cannot believe this is my life I am living…..:(
My daughter and i lost her father to cocaine. I relate to every word I have read here. I tried a tough love, my way or the high way approach. Only to get a phone call asking me to identify him. It’s a devastating loss. But I am grateful every day that my daughter (who was one) does not have to live the life I feared she would. There is pain and there is peace, but it takes faith and vigilance to choose peace.
I am so totally hurt and confused. I’ve been married 13 years been together 21. Last year my husband started acting as if he HATED me. I asked why we hadn’t been intimate and he said there’s no more love there. He started to act as if I didn’t exist. The pain was unbearable. I cried, I tried and I talk to the pastor. He would go in rages for the least of things. One day he came home and we had an incident – he accused me of throwing hot water on him. I was burned he was burned. I left in fear and ignorance(trying to prevent both of us from getting arrested). The next day I came home he went and took out a restraining order on me. I was DEVASTED. I had never done anything to see it coming. I was locked up as a result of the burn. I have lost my home, my belongings and my life. The judge took the position that I had the arrest then I was the baD person. NO ONE HAS LISTENED TO MY SIDE. He also filed for divorce. Then I find out that he is on cocaine. I am so lost because I keep asking myself how I could have not known. Does drugs make a person do these things. I just don’t know. I don’t want to be in denial but I feel lost and confused.
I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.. I am 27 turning 28 this tuesday and i left my husband on eyear ago because of his coke addiction… recently he has given up on seeing his own son.. i thought i was over it or stronger than this but daily i cry myself to sleep because i love him and i am just shocked that this is not the man i loved or knew and cant come to terms that he is what he is now and not the same person.. my counsellor says i need to let go but i cant help but wonder if he is okay or with someone knew or what he is up too.. he breaks my heart.. i havent seen him in 1 month since he stopped picking up his son and it is killing me because i miss him so much. the man i trusted and loved the man i thought would give me forever.. just gone..
Wow, wonderful About Me profile. I am so impressed. I am addicted to your blog, I can’t stop reading.
Thank you. That is an addiction that won’t hurt anyone, I guess.