Loneliness January 12, 2008
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Drugs, Life, Love, Marriage, relationships.Tags: Addiction, Cocaine, coping, Drugs, lies, loneliness, Marriage, relationships, trust
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He left last night, and I couldn’t get to bed then either. Spent the night pacing, wondering if I had just sent him off to get high, which exactly why we have problems in the first place.
I talked to him today. He sounded like he’d been using. His voice has a false cheerfulness when he’s on coke. I thought he might come by, but then I realized he probably didn’t want to see me if he wasn’t straight.
All I asked him for is for is honesty. And I can’t even get that. He’s looked me at me with flying saucer eyes and lied through a fake smile more than I want to remember. More than I can take. That’s why he’s gone now.
I like to remember him the way he was before he starting using. There was trust then. I could believe him. I felt safe. I mattered more to him than scoring some dope.
Now I think I may have lost that battle.
The struggle is hard and unjust – but if there is a way back from his addiction you are the second answer. The the first is himself. If you despise his lying – so does he – if you are hurt by his presence – so is he. You can hide to disappoint – neither can he, but his shows up when he hides from you. If there is a way back – it begins with you – not in pity or disappointment but through love. You have to find a way to tell in – not in words, or sex – but through your being that your love for him is abiding no matter is failures. Then and only then might he begin to love himself enough to attempt again to break away from his addiction.
I am not giving up on him. I am afraid that he has given up on himself. He geniunely seems sad without the drug in his life. But we have a child together and I will stand by him.
Thank you for the advice.
You can not simply say that you are not giving up – you have to demonstrate – in and through your being that you are not. You have to love him so much that he has to see it – I wrote the post some time ago – http://oldude59.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/blips-relape-no/ then at some point you also have to love your child more than you love him. That’s going to very hard but you have to prepare yourself.