Cocaine Widow

I am a mixture of conflicting feelings, whirling around inside my head and soul.

I met a beautiful, kind man who showered me with affection and I lost him. Like he said, “it just wasn’t going to work,” even though we both wanted it to. Nothing like a drastic difference in age, and distance, to make things difficult. Factor in my questionable state of mind, and there you have it. As they say, perhaps in a different place and time, things would have been different. And while I miss him, I am hoping with time, it won’t hurt so much.

On the other side of the emotional coin is another beautiful and kind man. I also lost him, after 22 years of marriage. Then, at a crucial moment in our son’s life, Dad showed up. Not only to try and repair their relationship, but help me rescue my son from a crippling bout with depression. It seemed like a miracle to me. Now almost eight weeks clean, my husband has woken up from a fog that made thinking clearly an impossible task.

Of course, when he took one look at me, he could tell I haven’t been eating, sleeping or taking care of myself like I should. With renewed clarity and dedication, he has decided to provide me with some TLC as well. And I’ll take it. Frankly, I am exhausted. I have lost 12 lbs in the last few months, which on my small frame is really too much.

I had literally stopped reading or doing anything relaxing, because I could not find it in myself to just sit down and give myself a break. I was running myself in the ground, so I wouldn’t catch myself sitting and thinking. That was just too painful. But he has now returned, and made it his mission to unbreak my heart, put a smile on my face, and build me a patio. He said he feels responsible, even for pain that he didn’t cause directly. 

But now, just knowing I am not alone to worry about our son is a huge load off my mind. For so long, I felt that between the two of us, I was the reasonable one. And that is scary.

Strangley, my husband seems a lot like the man I used to know. A man I never honestly thought I would see again. And I’m all mixed up. Once you give up and move on, how do you go back? I never stopped loving him, but I had given up. I moved on. I found someone else I truly cared about.

At one point, I remember writing, “I want my old life, dammit.” And now that it feels pretty close, I am confused.

I guess if you try to ”start over”, you don’t expect to recapture your old life. You have to make a new one. You have to learn to talk about the things you didn’t before. You have to face ugly truths, and answer hard questions. You decide if this is something worth trying again. You examine your feelings and learn to be honest about them. Something I thought we would never have the chance to do. But now that cocaine isn’t a part of his life, and he got a good look at what he was losing, he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with his family.

What happened?  Well, he said himself that if I had not kicked him out, he wouldn’t have been forced to deal with his problems. He actually said that I had done him a favor. I never looked at it that way… I just was acting out of self-preservation. I was worried about what might happen … I just wasn’t going down with him.

Now look who’s here helping me up.