Cocaine Widow

I guess I am feeling better now or I couldn’t write at all. I have never just hit the wall like I did yesterday. I had not done anything in a day or so and decided not to, and I just felt like total crap. It was all I could do to just get out of bed and try to look presentable. I laid around feeling sorry for myself and took a Lexapro. Then of course I attributed any suicidal thoughts I had to that one pill. I hate Lexapro. I have reasons. But I hate being depressed and trying to get by on cocaine even more. I hope this helps… at least for a little while. I am at a point that I will try it even though I don’t trust it. My husband is on it, and has been for about three weeks. He seems to be thinking more clearly and not as dark about everything. I am happy for him, and wish I felt that way too. I don’t think he knows how bad the monkey on my back has gotten, but maybe he’s just waiting on me to ask for help. I hope I don’t have to. I want to do it myself.

Still, I dread work tomorrow so badly. And I don’t want to just rant about it. Such a trigger for me… that feeling of doom. Makes me want to have a drink, just do anything not to think about it. Pitiful!

I am trying to be hopeful about this week… but I wonder if I will end up leaving my job or not, and that is stressful. It’s a horrible time to be looking for work. It’s a horrible time for a lot of things, I guess. For some things in life, there is never a good time … you just have to get through it and hope for the fucking best.