Cocaine Widow

Well, I guess the Lexapro is helping and I must admit I am relieved from being in that cycle of need I found myself in about a month ago. I don’t feel weird or spacey now, but I can resist a temporary craving or even an opportunity to score some good blow. I am tired from chasing that shit. I can now relate to how my husband felt than I ever wanted. The addict rationale that makes no sense even to you, the addict. The hate of yourself. The regret and eventual collapse of your world, or at least your marriage. The crushing depression that will make you take SSRIs in the first place.

Seems like we do a pretty good job of dancing around all the damage our marriage has been through, just because we both needed to quit trying so hard to fix things and let them be… In 24 years together I have noticed things have a way of just working out in time. That’s what I am hoping for here. I’ve noticed that we are starting to talk again, and I actually like him again. There was a time when I didn’t. When he was a junkie. When he was using. I used to tell myself that was a logical reason for me to use… and before I knew it, I was a liar too.

I’d like to say I never expect either of us to relapse again, but I can’t be unrealistic. I can only hope. Hope that we are two of the few who actually escape from it forever. One day at a time.