Trust August 21, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, lies, loneliness, relationships.Tags: Addiction, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, feelings, forgiveness, hurt, lies, loss, Love, NA, negativity, pain, Recovery, Rehab, relationships, Thoughts, trust
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I know my husband has been clean a long time. I know this because of drug tests he takes at work, a condition thrusts upon him by circumstance, and a serious blessing in disguise. He has done a great job. He has stayed employed, which is hard enough right now. He is trying harder than I could have every hoped this time last year. The problem though, is that even after MONTHS of honest recovery, including NA meetings, he is up against one brick wall he can’t get over.
Me.
I still don’t trust him.
This morning he pissed me off… he said that I was too negative. Yes, I vent a lot… but if you can’t complain to your husband on an exhausted Friday morning, who can you complain to? And that really isn’t the point. He has not been a picnic for the last, well, two years or so. Whether he was using or recovering, he has been miserable to live with sometimes. How am I supposed to react? Do I have to remind him that I have feelings too? I have put up with unbelievable conditions that most sane people would have run screaming from.
The poor camels back snapped when he started acting as if I was the one who couldn’t be trusted. Based on a couple of Facebook e-mails between me and my male friends. Nothing to argue about, much less blow completely out of porportion. It is as if he wants me to be guilty of something. Guilty of flirting? Maybe. Guilty of being lonely? Hell, yes. Guilty of acting on it? No! Guilty of trying to act like an adult? Bingo.
I know I am guilty of one thing. I wanted him clean. I did. For selfish reasons, for my son and for my husband… but I also wanted the man he was before. The one without the bottled-up emotions that come flying at me when he finally snaps and can’t take the stress of it all. I wanted the man I fell in love with a long time ago, not the addict. The man who made me feel protected, not frightened. The man I believed when he told me something.
Am I negative? Yes, I can be. Why not? I am living in a shell of marriage to a man who is practically in denial about our child’s illness, who expects me to just “get over” the years of lies and all that came with it, because HE is able to move on. He is able, but I’m not.
I know he believes he won’t ever use again. I am not sure. I have been lied to before. I wish I could forget as easy I as I can forgive, but I can’t. I wish I could becaue life would be so much easier. I could be happy. But being played for a fool does a lot of damage .
Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just start over. It would be easier to move on.
I know can trust myself.
Have you tried spending time and/or getting input from others in your situation? Meaning others with recovering spouses and family members?
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are two places this can happen. I am sure there are other support groups.
I have made a practice of something in my life. Whenever I think I am right and someone else is wrong…. which is easy to do…. I get a second opinion from someone wise and trustworthy.
I am way too biased in favour of my own perspective to judge fairly. The only thing I can consistently judge when it comes to differences with others is whether or not I feel pain.
My automatic response in the past was that if I felt pain, someone else must be wrong. Since moving forward in recovery and understanding, I have found that more often than not, I have a part in the pain. Even if it turns out to only be 2% of the painful conflict and the other person is 98%.
If I am not willing to deal with my 2%, I am kidding myself and probably blaming. Often times, dealing with my minority contribution turns out to be enough to change the dynamic of the conflict and ease the pain of it.
The situation may not end in justice or balance, but it become manageable and livable. The injustice then is easier to surrender and forgive.
I have given up arguing my case to the degree I once did. More often now, I will just surrender it to God as I understand him which is what the 12 steps suggest. The results have been amazing. I received positive results with less effort and striving.
With all that said, I understand that what you are going through must be painful. I caused a lot of pain too. Many family members are still pretty pissed at me even though I am clean/sober for years.
The damage we addicts caused runs deep as I am sure you know. Yet, my family is still responsible for their attitude toward me. Just because I did them wrong, does not make me responsible for their prolonged bitterness and resentments.
My responsibility is to make amends and grow. This is no different than anyone else in humanity. We all make mistakes and hurt people. Unfortunately, addiction and its accompanying behaviours are that much more dramatic and frightening.
Hope this is helpful in some way.
Ciao.
Chaz