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Wrong March 10, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, relationships.
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Any other time I might be amused. But I am just pissed. I have the flu and minor sinus problems (nothing like what I have caused myself in the past, though)… I am having a hard time shaking it. But I just started my third week of antidepressants and feeling pretty good about that.  

Then I found the note. I had just woken up, and went to turn on the coffee maker. I noticed a little yellow post-it, with my husband’s handwriting on it.

Please stop. You’re killing yourself.

Five words. Five little words that at SO MANY times in the past could have been accurate, times when it when it might have helped me, times when he would have been right. But he was so wrong. Such an insult. To accuse me – when I am actually trying. My first thought was of course, well then I’ll get some, fuck this. My second thought was, you’ve lost your mind. My third thought was, how dare he think that?

Not that I haven’t  wrongly accused him. I have. And I really can’t look at my own behavior objectively I guess, but I doubt I have been acting like someone who is high. Because I’m not. Though sometimes I want to be. I have been lucky so far at letting that feeling pass. I guess I could credit the Lexapro, but I don’t. I credit myself for doing what I have to. Quitting a bad drug for one that is less worse. For not going back. For trying to be whoever it is that I am supposed to be.

Maybe that just isn’t enough.

Rationale March 7, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Thoughts, Willpower, betrayal, relationships.
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Well, I guess the Lexapro is helping and I must admit I am relieved from being in that cycle of need I found myself in about a month ago. I don’t feel weird or spacey now, but I can resist a temporary craving or even an opportunity to score some good blow. I am tired from chasing that shit. I can now relate to how my husband felt than I ever wanted. The addict rationale that makes no sense even to you, the addict. The hate of yourself. The regret and eventual collapse of your world, or at least your marriage. The crushing depression that will make you take SSRIs in the first place.

Seems like we do a pretty good job of dancing around all the damage our marriage has been through, just because we both needed to quit trying so hard to fix things and let them be… In 24 years together I have noticed things have a way of just working out in time. That’s what I am hoping for here. I’ve noticed that we are starting to talk again, and I actually like him again. There was a time when I didn’t. When he was a junkie. When he was using. I used to tell myself that was a logical reason for me to use… and before I knew it, I was a liar too.

I’d like to say I never expect either of us to relapse again, but I can’t be unrealistic. I can only hope. Hope that we are two of the few who actually escape from it forever. One day at a time.

Daze February 25, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Life, Random, Recovery, Thoughts, Willpower, Work, relationships.
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Weird. Kind of spacey but not too bad.

That’s how I feel. Not out of it… not particularly numb, but medicated. I guess the Lexapro is kicking in. Better that than trying to snort away my problems. I have found a legal way to treat my symptoms without getting deep or going into therapy! Yay for me…

Let’s just say I am not thrilled in this state of mind, but I can function. That’s what they’re for, after all, these SSRIs and other antidepressants. There is no such thing as a “happy pill” but there are “less miserable pills.”

I feel strange about not having any craving for cocaine right now. None at all really. I’m sure some stressful situation will come up and I’ll think about it, be tempted, and hopefully, keep myself on the wagon.

My boss and I talked yesterday. He is a man of little compliments, but told me I was doing a great job. I felt a pride I haven’t felt in a long time, especially because it came from a guy who has thrown huge cuss fits directed at me.  Just feeling like I was appreciated was better than getting high by far.

Over February 23, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, loneliness, relationships, separation.
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The unexpected never takes me by surprise. Even this morning when my husband told me over the phone he was leaving me. Because of one spam email from an internet dating site. One I never even checked out… I just ended up on their list.

Maybe he is just looking for a reason. I have no idea.

And I had just put my ring back on.

After all this time, it doesn’t make sense. I feel like an idiot. His son is devastated. I could tell when he heard my end of the conversation.

I don’t think he is using. I know I’m not. Maybe I will just have to learn to live without him anyway. But I don’t think the Lexapro is enough for all this.