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Rationale March 7, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Thoughts, Willpower, betrayal, relationships.
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Well, I guess the Lexapro is helping and I must admit I am relieved from being in that cycle of need I found myself in about a month ago. I don’t feel weird or spacey now, but I can resist a temporary craving or even an opportunity to score some good blow. I am tired from chasing that shit. I can now relate to how my husband felt than I ever wanted. The addict rationale that makes no sense even to you, the addict. The hate of yourself. The regret and eventual collapse of your world, or at least your marriage. The crushing depression that will make you take SSRIs in the first place.

Seems like we do a pretty good job of dancing around all the damage our marriage has been through, just because we both needed to quit trying so hard to fix things and let them be… In 24 years together I have noticed things have a way of just working out in time. That’s what I am hoping for here. I’ve noticed that we are starting to talk again, and I actually like him again. There was a time when I didn’t. When he was a junkie. When he was using. I used to tell myself that was a logical reason for me to use… and before I knew it, I was a liar too.

I’d like to say I never expect either of us to relapse again, but I can’t be unrealistic. I can only hope. Hope that we are two of the few who actually escape from it forever. One day at a time.

Betrayal September 29, 2008

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Thoughts, Work, betrayal, lies, relationships.
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I guess this shit never ends.

I quit taking my antidepressants, hoping for some spike in my libido, and within two days I was crying again. I feel like my brain is a CD, stuck on the day when I was stood up by a guy I thought I loved, who is history now. Even though he proved himself to be a jerk, I am unable to get past it still.

My husband says I never should have asked him to come home. He has watched me mourn this other guy to the point where I know he must be sick of it. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. After it was clearly all over, I still called The Jerk sometimes. I was trying to get some sort of decent resolution to our relationship so I could move on, but he was ignoring me. I just wanted a goodbye. I didn’t want to admit to myself I had been used.

However, he didn’t ignore my husband’s call, responding with a text that caused a few arguments and only served to make me livid. This was the second time he had contacted him. I felt totally betrayed – by them both… and it just made me obsess over The Jerk even more… wanting an answer to why it all ended like it did. Even today, I woke up and remembered it was his birthday. I don’t care, but I remembered it, and that’s too much for me. 

All I know is that I have tried to deal with what life has handed me. My husband was a junkie, and he left. I met someone and felt a very intense connection him. I thought I was special to him. I wasn’t. I got hurt. I have been trying to comprehend that The Jerk was never anything but that. I am trying to get over it. I haven’t hidden that from anyone.

My husband is clean now, and has every right to be in his home. I still love him.  And I have tried to be totally honest, but I feel I have no time or space to heal from all that has happened. Over the weekend, I got a small amount of cocaine, to boost my mood, numb myself and try to have some good sex. But my husband figured it out, and now he is nothing but disappointed and angry with me. So I have achieved nothing but causing more pain for both of us.

I guess betrayal cuts both ways.

I cannot find a job, my teenager has no use for me, and I am generally pissed all the time. I am on medications that do nothing for me… so I plan to leave the doctor I have been with for at least 15 years and go to someone who may be able to help me. It is clear I cannot help myself… and I can’t expect to be happy if things stay the way they are.

It is hard for me to admit that I am not strong enough to pull myself out of this dark hole, but I need a hand. Hopefully if I reach out, someone will grab me.