Cocaine Widow

I feel an odd connection to my husband these days.

It is only possible now that he is clean. But now, it is I that must rehabilitate, change, improve, and cleanse myself of all the poison in my own life. Part of that poison is the fascination with the man I was last involved with. However brief, the intensity of that relationship will probably stay with me for the rest of my life.  

It is the process of getting over him that is so hard. And that is why now, I can relate more easily to my husband’s struggle to give up cocaine. People get addicted, obsessed and taken over. He did. I did. The person, object or substance that fuels a compulsion isn’t really the issue. It is giving it up. That is hard. Painful. Confusing and frustrating. No matter what you are leaving behind. Whether it’s love or a drug. I dare say they are close to the same thing.

It’s the euphoria that we all want.

I am doing a little better, having discovered that I couldn’t find a man who actually loves me more than my husband. We talked a lot about divorce the other day, but since then, we just haven’t brought it up. He is taking great pains to help me out, try to make me feel better, and repair his relationship with our son.

New Guy was great at making me feel beautiful, but he doesn’t give a shit about me as a person. Or my son. Once I realized that, it made it easier to start letting go. I know now that he was mostly a reflection of all the things I wanted him to be. He was, as my husband would say, “a clean slate.”  And at the time, that was just what I needed. A sparkling new beginning. Only the end was painful.

And now I know how my husband felt. You have to see the truth of the situation for yourself before you can say “no more.” As painful as it is, they say the truth will set you free. I hope that means free from the pain that both of us have endured.