Cocaine Widow

I know my husband has been clean a long time. I know this because of drug tests he takes at work, a condition thrusts upon him by circumstance, and a serious blessing in disguise. He has done a great job. He has stayed employed, which is hard enough right now. He is trying harder than I could have every hoped this time last year. The problem though, is that even after MONTHS of honest recovery, including NA meetings, he is up against one brick wall he can’t get over.

Me.

I still don’t trust him.

This morning he pissed me off… he said that I was too negative. Yes, I vent a lot… but if you can’t complain to your husband on an exhausted Friday morning, who can you complain to? And that really isn’t the point. He has not been a picnic for the last, well, two years or so. Whether he was using or recovering, he has been miserable to live with sometimes. How am I supposed to react? Do I have to remind him that I have feelings too? I have put up with unbelievable conditions that most sane people would have run screaming from.

The poor camels back snapped when he started acting as if I was the one who couldn’t be trusted. Based on a couple of Facebook e-mails between me and my male friends. Nothing to argue about, much less blow completely out of porportion. It is as if he wants me to be guilty of something. Guilty of flirting? Maybe. Guilty of being lonely? Hell, yes. Guilty of acting on it? No! Guilty of trying to act like an adult? Bingo.

I know I am guilty of one thing. I wanted him clean. I did. For selfish reasons, for my son and for my husband… but I also wanted the man he was before. The one without the bottled-up emotions that come flying at me when he finally snaps and can’t take the stress of it all. I wanted the man I fell in love with a long time ago, not the addict. The man who made me feel protected, not frightened. The man I believed when he told me something.

Am I negative? Yes, I can be. Why not? I am living in a shell of  marriage to a man who is practically in denial about our child’s illness, who expects me to just “get over” the years of lies and all that came with it, because HE is able to move on. He is able, but I’m not.

I know he believes he won’t ever use again. I am not sure. I have been lied to before. I wish I could forget as easy I as I can forgive, but I can’t. I wish I could becaue life would be so much easier. I could be happy. But being played for a fool does a lot of damage .

Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just start over. It would be easier to move on.

I know can trust myself.