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Busted August 5, 2008

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Divorce, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Random, Recovery, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, lies, relationships.
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Guess what I bought for myself? It was a little treat. Just for me.

Was it a new pair of Converse, some wild eye shadow, a hot fudge sundae from Sonic? 

No, I bought cocaine.

After everything I’ve been through, after everything my husband has been through, all I could think about was not thinking about anything. And nothing else could do it.

I needed to work. I needed to get shit done and stop crying over that New Guy, who really should be called Out-Of-The-Picture-Guy, because he is. I’m sure he’s gone on to hook up with some 20 yr. old blonde. That hurts to think about, but there’s no good excuse.

I am not even going to try and justify using. There really isn’t any reason except I felt entitled to a little bit of the relief my husband had experienced. Was I thinking about revenge, getting even, keeping score? No. Just something to stop the feelings and get me going.

And now I am a hypocrite.

This morning, my husband, who is struggling to stay clean, found my stash. Angry and betrayed are not powerful enough words for how he felt. Then he left to go work in this southern heat, hating me every second, I know. I said I was sorry. The last thing he said before he left was, “I’m sorry too… for ruining our lives a long time ago.”

But I can’t blame him or his past. I, of all people, should know better… should do better. I thought it would help me forget how I felt about Out-Of-The-Picture-Guy. I thought it would help because I am tired, from not sleeping, living with regret, and crying, oh Jesus, the crying, the week after I ended it. 

Honestly, I wasn’t thinking at all. I was an emotional wreck.

And now my husband is probably more hurt than mad. I don’t blame him. He said to me, “Now I know how you felt,” and “I’m getting mine now.” Meaning Karma. I don’t know about that. I know that my pain has subsided somewhat, but by my own stupidity, I managed to make it harder for me and my husband to move on from here. There will always be trust issues, if we actually survive this.

Strange how the shoe gets from one foot to the other.

Reverse July 26, 2008

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Divorce, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Thoughts, relationships, separation.
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Talk about the shoe being on the other foot. This morning my husband told me he didn’t want it, but that he thought we should divorce. He had written down the things he wanted to keep for himself and be responsible for, including getting our son in a car.

I was stunned. He said he had done the math and that he would have to live with his parents because he couldn’t afford child support, health insurance on our son and his own place.

I thought it would be his addiction that would bring us down. Instead, it is my obsession with someone else. And he can tell my heart is not in this. The thing is, I want it to be. I want to be celebrating the fact that not only is he clean, but wanting to work on our marriage. He’s been very good to me lately. And I feel like an idiot for getting involved with someone else before we were legally divorced… because right now he doesn’t stand a chance against the memory of that other guy. I am not over him by a long shot.

Wouldn’t life be easier if we could just choose how to feel?

Complicated July 22, 2008

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Divorce, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Thoughts, loneliness, relationships, separation.
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Clearly, my heart is not in the right place to commit myself to the marriage I fought for and mourned for a year.

And that is because of another man I am still thinking about. A man a barely knew, really, but honestly fell for anyway. A man that I now miss, and think of more than I should. I have literally cried for a week. I am compelled to check his profile on the internet dating site he uses. I want to call him, hear his voice, drive an hour to find him. Like a teenager. Or a stalker. Or an ADDICT. I need a fix of him. NOW.

I actually thought to myself when I met him, “he’s gonna break my heart.” Well, I can’t blame him. I let him in. That was my mistake. Eighteen years, many miles and a world of differences stand between us.

Was it the loneliness that made me vunerable? Of course. But of all the men I know, he’s the only one who made me feel anything. And what I felt was good. I felt happy. I felt hope. Is it wrong to miss that? We had some beautiful moments. Moments I thought I would never have with anyone. I had been betrayed and broken. He made all that go away. For a little while.

Now, I just feel broken. The rest I take responsibility for. And I’ll suffer for it too. Just like all addicts suffer for their vice. He became mine, and now it’s time to let it go. Easier said than done.

Now that the life I wanted back for so long, then said goodbye to, is right here for the taking, I feel like I’m caught in an episode of The Twilight Zone.

I keep asking myself why couldn’t my husband get clean sooner? Why didn’t I wait until we were divorced before I went out with anyone? Why can’t I be happy that he wants me back? Why am I compelled to think about a man I cannot be with? 

Was this complicated enough?

Living July 14, 2008

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Divorce, Drugs, Family, Life, Marriage, Random, Thoughts, Willpower, loneliness, relationships, separation.
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I am somewhat surprised by the fact that nothing surprises me anymore. I thought I was doing a good thing, taking as little money from my husband as possible, so he could save up and get away from his alcoholic brother. Of course, now I find out that instead of helping my husband out, my brother-in-law is charging him rent. To sleep on the floor. To get his act together. That’s our family for you.

Brother helping brother. Greedy asshole, just like his mother.

As far as I see it, that is money my son and I could be using to pay the avalanche of bills that find their way to my mailbox everyday, most of them with my husband’s name on them. Yes, I could stop paying them, and I will. But not just yet.

I decided maybe I’ll just let my husband come home. He can have the house, the yard that no one wants to cut and the demanding cats that go in it. I spoke to a real estate agent and am applying for a loan. I was shocked at how good my credit was… and that it actually may be possible to do.

I may have to cut down on my living space, but I am going to try and buy a house for me and my son. If my husband, who makes more money than I do and has a more steady work history, can’t do it, then I will. It won’t be the first time I’ve rolled up my sleeves and said, “Screw it. I’ll take care of it.” And it probably won’t be the last. I have to take care of business. I have a son to raise. I have a purpose.

Sometimes I am thankful that my husband and his idiot brother keep me so angry. It clouds out the sadness… It gives me reason not to miss the man I married, who by all accounts, is gone, daddy, gone. I don’t detect a trace of him. It also keeps me from letting the fear set in. The fear is always close… the fear of being alone, of being caught off guard, of not having anyone to turn to, even if it’s just to say, “Can you believe that? I just might buy my own house!”