Trust August 21, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, lies, loneliness, relationships.Tags: Addiction, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, feelings, forgiveness, hurt, lies, loss, Love, NA, negativity, pain, Recovery, Rehab, relationships, Thoughts, trust
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I know my husband has been clean a long time. I know this because of drug tests he takes at work, a condition thrusts upon him by circumstance, and a serious blessing in disguise. He has done a great job. He has stayed employed, which is hard enough right now. He is trying harder than I could have every hoped this time last year. The problem though, is that even after MONTHS of honest recovery, including NA meetings, he is up against one brick wall he can’t get over.
Me.
I still don’t trust him.
This morning he pissed me off… he said that I was too negative. Yes, I vent a lot… but if you can’t complain to your husband on an exhausted Friday morning, who can you complain to? And that really isn’t the point. He has not been a picnic for the last, well, two years or so. Whether he was using or recovering, he has been miserable to live with sometimes. How am I supposed to react? Do I have to remind him that I have feelings too? I have put up with unbelievable conditions that most sane people would have run screaming from.
The poor camels back snapped when he started acting as if I was the one who couldn’t be trusted. Based on a couple of Facebook e-mails between me and my male friends. Nothing to argue about, much less blow completely out of porportion. It is as if he wants me to be guilty of something. Guilty of flirting? Maybe. Guilty of being lonely? Hell, yes. Guilty of acting on it? No! Guilty of trying to act like an adult? Bingo.
I know I am guilty of one thing. I wanted him clean. I did. For selfish reasons, for my son and for my husband… but I also wanted the man he was before. The one without the bottled-up emotions that come flying at me when he finally snaps and can’t take the stress of it all. I wanted the man I fell in love with a long time ago, not the addict. The man who made me feel protected, not frightened. The man I believed when he told me something.
Am I negative? Yes, I can be. Why not? I am living in a shell of marriage to a man who is practically in denial about our child’s illness, who expects me to just “get over” the years of lies and all that came with it, because HE is able to move on. He is able, but I’m not.
I know he believes he won’t ever use again. I am not sure. I have been lied to before. I wish I could forget as easy I as I can forgive, but I can’t. I wish I could becaue life would be so much easier. I could be happy. But being played for a fool does a lot of damage .
Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just start over. It would be easier to move on.
I know can trust myself.
Wrong March 10, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, relationships.1 comment so far
Any other time I might be amused. But I am just pissed. I have the flu and minor sinus problems (nothing like what I have caused myself in the past, though)… I am having a hard time shaking it. But I just started my third week of antidepressants and feeling pretty good about that.
Then I found the note. I had just woken up, and went to turn on the coffee maker. I noticed a little yellow post-it, with my husband’s handwriting on it.
Please stop. You’re killing yourself.
Five words. Five little words that at SO MANY times in the past could have been accurate, times when it when it might have helped me, times when he would have been right. But he was so wrong. Such an insult. To accuse me – when I am actually trying. My first thought was of course, well then I’ll get some, fuck this. My second thought was, you’ve lost your mind. My third thought was, how dare he think that?
Not that I haven’t wrongly accused him. I have. And I really can’t look at my own behavior objectively I guess, but I doubt I have been acting like someone who is high. Because I’m not. Though sometimes I want to be. I have been lucky so far at letting that feeling pass. I guess I could credit the Lexapro, but I don’t. I credit myself for doing what I have to. Quitting a bad drug for one that is less worse. For not going back. For trying to be whoever it is that I am supposed to be.
Maybe that just isn’t enough.
Rationale March 7, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Thoughts, Willpower, betrayal, relationships.add a comment
Well, I guess the Lexapro is helping and I must admit I am relieved from being in that cycle of need I found myself in about a month ago. I don’t feel weird or spacey now, but I can resist a temporary craving or even an opportunity to score some good blow. I am tired from chasing that shit. I can now relate to how my husband felt than I ever wanted. The addict rationale that makes no sense even to you, the addict. The hate of yourself. The regret and eventual collapse of your world, or at least your marriage. The crushing depression that will make you take SSRIs in the first place.
Seems like we do a pretty good job of dancing around all the damage our marriage has been through, just because we both needed to quit trying so hard to fix things and let them be… In 24 years together I have noticed things have a way of just working out in time. That’s what I am hoping for here. I’ve noticed that we are starting to talk again, and I actually like him again. There was a time when I didn’t. When he was a junkie. When he was using. I used to tell myself that was a logical reason for me to use… and before I knew it, I was a liar too.
I’d like to say I never expect either of us to relapse again, but I can’t be unrealistic. I can only hope. Hope that we are two of the few who actually escape from it forever. One day at a time.
Over February 23, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, loneliness, relationships, separation.add a comment
The unexpected never takes me by surprise. Even this morning when my husband told me over the phone he was leaving me. Because of one spam email from an internet dating site. One I never even checked out… I just ended up on their list.
Maybe he is just looking for a reason. I have no idea.
And I had just put my ring back on.
After all this time, it doesn’t make sense. I feel like an idiot. His son is devastated. I could tell when he heard my end of the conversation.
I don’t think he is using. I know I’m not. Maybe I will just have to learn to live without him anyway. But I don’t think the Lexapro is enough for all this.
