Trust August 21, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, lies, loneliness, relationships.Tags: Addiction, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, feelings, forgiveness, hurt, lies, loss, Love, NA, negativity, pain, Recovery, Rehab, relationships, Thoughts, trust
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I know my husband has been clean a long time. I know this because of drug tests he takes at work, a condition thrusts upon him by circumstance, and a serious blessing in disguise. He has done a great job. He has stayed employed, which is hard enough right now. He is trying harder than I could have every hoped this time last year. The problem though, is that even after MONTHS of honest recovery, including NA meetings, he is up against one brick wall he can’t get over.
Me.
I still don’t trust him.
This morning he pissed me off… he said that I was too negative. Yes, I vent a lot… but if you can’t complain to your husband on an exhausted Friday morning, who can you complain to? And that really isn’t the point. He has not been a picnic for the last, well, two years or so. Whether he was using or recovering, he has been miserable to live with sometimes. How am I supposed to react? Do I have to remind him that I have feelings too? I have put up with unbelievable conditions that most sane people would have run screaming from.
The poor camels back snapped when he started acting as if I was the one who couldn’t be trusted. Based on a couple of Facebook e-mails between me and my male friends. Nothing to argue about, much less blow completely out of porportion. It is as if he wants me to be guilty of something. Guilty of flirting? Maybe. Guilty of being lonely? Hell, yes. Guilty of acting on it? No! Guilty of trying to act like an adult? Bingo.
I know I am guilty of one thing. I wanted him clean. I did. For selfish reasons, for my son and for my husband… but I also wanted the man he was before. The one without the bottled-up emotions that come flying at me when he finally snaps and can’t take the stress of it all. I wanted the man I fell in love with a long time ago, not the addict. The man who made me feel protected, not frightened. The man I believed when he told me something.
Am I negative? Yes, I can be. Why not? I am living in a shell of marriage to a man who is practically in denial about our child’s illness, who expects me to just “get over” the years of lies and all that came with it, because HE is able to move on. He is able, but I’m not.
I know he believes he won’t ever use again. I am not sure. I have been lied to before. I wish I could forget as easy I as I can forgive, but I can’t. I wish I could becaue life would be so much easier. I could be happy. But being played for a fool does a lot of damage .
Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just start over. It would be easier to move on.
I know can trust myself.
Rationale March 7, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Thoughts, Willpower, betrayal, relationships.1 comment so far
Well, I guess the Lexapro is helping and I must admit I am relieved from being in that cycle of need I found myself in about a month ago. I don’t feel weird or spacey now, but I can resist a temporary craving or even an opportunity to score some good blow. I am tired from chasing that shit. I can now relate to how my husband felt than I ever wanted. The addict rationale that makes no sense even to you, the addict. The hate of yourself. The regret and eventual collapse of your world, or at least your marriage. The crushing depression that will make you take SSRIs in the first place.
Seems like we do a pretty good job of dancing around all the damage our marriage has been through, just because we both needed to quit trying so hard to fix things and let them be… In 24 years together I have noticed things have a way of just working out in time. That’s what I am hoping for here. I’ve noticed that we are starting to talk again, and I actually like him again. There was a time when I didn’t. When he was a junkie. When he was using. I used to tell myself that was a logical reason for me to use… and before I knew it, I was a liar too.
I’d like to say I never expect either of us to relapse again, but I can’t be unrealistic. I can only hope. Hope that we are two of the few who actually escape from it forever. One day at a time.
Over February 23, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, loneliness, relationships, separation.add a comment
The unexpected never takes me by surprise. Even this morning when my husband told me over the phone he was leaving me. Because of one spam email from an internet dating site. One I never even checked out… I just ended up on their list.
Maybe he is just looking for a reason. I have no idea.
And I had just put my ring back on.
After all this time, it doesn’t make sense. I feel like an idiot. His son is devastated. I could tell when he heard my end of the conversation.
I don’t think he is using. I know I’m not. Maybe I will just have to learn to live without him anyway. But I don’t think the Lexapro is enough for all this.
Lost November 27, 2008
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Thoughts, loneliness, relationships.Tags: Addiction, caring, Cocaine, emotions, happiness, Heartbreak, loss, Love, Marriage, Random, relationships, sexual feelings, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thoughts, trust, wedding ring
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In my part of the world, it is early on Thanksgiving morning. I have made a list of all the things I am grateful for. I will post it here later. Right now I have other things on my mind. I took an emotional hit today. After several months of no contact, I realized that That Guy From Before, The One Who Made All The Sadness Go Away, The Jerk who disappeared into the night and left me with a heart full of what ifs has deleted his accounts. I had no way to say “Happy Thanksgiving” other than call his phone, which I knew he would not answer. Maybe he’s given up on school. Or met someone. Or moved home to Tennessee. I have no way of knowing, really. Still, I cannot shred the map to his house that I have sitting on my desk at work. Why? I don’t know. I don’t actually plan on driving there and surprising him. I just can’t shred it. I’ve been trying for three weeks.
But I have to admit some part of me is as relieved as I am sad. It is like losing the dealer’s number… no reason to even think about something you cannot find.
I hope that our first Thanksgiving at home goes well — we are not going to Grandma’s house this year, and are cooking our first turkey. There were days when my husband was using that I thought this day would never come. Or come around again. After everything that cocaine has done to him. to us, to our son, and to me I had lost all hope. It was why my heart was so ready and willing to “love” The Jerk. That Guy became my addiction, and my husband wasn’t the only one giving up something he thought he couldn’t live without.
But now that That Guy is fading ever so slowly from my mind, and my reality, I see a small glimmer of hope for us. I still haven’t put my wedding ring back on. I can’t until I feel like I did when I was 20, and it went on my hand for the first time. My sexual feelings are all messed up. Sometimes I think we would both be happier starting over. Sometimes I think that isn’t going to fix anything. Only divide our son between us. I know that because of cocaine, we lost a lot more than money in the bank. My feelings of trust and safety are gone. I cannot feel as secure and happy as I once did, no matter what I do, or what he says. But for now we are taking it one day at a time, and today we are cooking a turkey.
Maybe Monday I can shred the map.
