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Trust August 21, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, lies, loneliness, relationships.
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I know my husband has been clean a long time. I know this because of drug tests he takes at work, a condition thrusts upon him by circumstance, and a serious blessing in disguise. He has done a great job. He has stayed employed, which is hard enough right now. He is trying harder than I could have every hoped this time last year. The problem though, is that even after MONTHS of honest recovery, including NA meetings, he is up against one brick wall he can’t get over.

Me.

I still don’t trust him.

This morning he pissed me off… he said that I was too negative. Yes, I vent a lot… but if you can’t complain to your husband on an exhausted Friday morning, who can you complain to? And that really isn’t the point. He has not been a picnic for the last, well, two years or so. Whether he was using or recovering, he has been miserable to live with sometimes. How am I supposed to react? Do I have to remind him that I have feelings too? I have put up with unbelievable conditions that most sane people would have run screaming from.

The poor camels back snapped when he started acting as if I was the one who couldn’t be trusted. Based on a couple of Facebook e-mails between me and my male friends. Nothing to argue about, much less blow completely out of porportion. It is as if he wants me to be guilty of something. Guilty of flirting? Maybe. Guilty of being lonely? Hell, yes. Guilty of acting on it? No! Guilty of trying to act like an adult? Bingo.

I know I am guilty of one thing. I wanted him clean. I did. For selfish reasons, for my son and for my husband… but I also wanted the man he was before. The one without the bottled-up emotions that come flying at me when he finally snaps and can’t take the stress of it all. I wanted the man I fell in love with a long time ago, not the addict. The man who made me feel protected, not frightened. The man I believed when he told me something.

Am I negative? Yes, I can be. Why not? I am living in a shell of  marriage to a man who is practically in denial about our child’s illness, who expects me to just “get over” the years of lies and all that came with it, because HE is able to move on. He is able, but I’m not.

I know he believes he won’t ever use again. I am not sure. I have been lied to before. I wish I could forget as easy I as I can forgive, but I can’t. I wish I could becaue life would be so much easier. I could be happy. But being played for a fool does a lot of damage .

Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just start over. It would be easier to move on.

I know can trust myself.

Wrong March 10, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Life, Love, Marriage, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, relationships.
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Any other time I might be amused. But I am just pissed. I have the flu and minor sinus problems (nothing like what I have caused myself in the past, though)… I am having a hard time shaking it. But I just started my third week of antidepressants and feeling pretty good about that.  

Then I found the note. I had just woken up, and went to turn on the coffee maker. I noticed a little yellow post-it, with my husband’s handwriting on it.

Please stop. You’re killing yourself.

Five words. Five little words that at SO MANY times in the past could have been accurate, times when it when it might have helped me, times when he would have been right. But he was so wrong. Such an insult. To accuse me – when I am actually trying. My first thought was of course, well then I’ll get some, fuck this. My second thought was, you’ve lost your mind. My third thought was, how dare he think that?

Not that I haven’t  wrongly accused him. I have. And I really can’t look at my own behavior objectively I guess, but I doubt I have been acting like someone who is high. Because I’m not. Though sometimes I want to be. I have been lucky so far at letting that feeling pass. I guess I could credit the Lexapro, but I don’t. I credit myself for doing what I have to. Quitting a bad drug for one that is less worse. For not going back. For trying to be whoever it is that I am supposed to be.

Maybe that just isn’t enough.

Over February 23, 2009

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, loneliness, relationships, separation.
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The unexpected never takes me by surprise. Even this morning when my husband told me over the phone he was leaving me. Because of one spam email from an internet dating site. One I never even checked out… I just ended up on their list.

Maybe he is just looking for a reason. I have no idea.

And I had just put my ring back on.

After all this time, it doesn’t make sense. I feel like an idiot. His son is devastated. I could tell when he heard my end of the conversation.

I don’t think he is using. I know I’m not. Maybe I will just have to learn to live without him anyway. But I don’t think the Lexapro is enough for all this.

Craving September 5, 2008

Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Random, Recovery, Rehab, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, lies, loneliness, relationships.
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“Relapse is part of recovery.” — Everybody

Hypocrite. User. Liar. Idiot. Fool. Desperate. Thief. Manipulator.

Not my husband this time. Although he has his problems, it just couldn’t be that easy.

I am the one. This time it’s me. I could rationalize, give excuses, justify it and it would all be bullshit. It’s a choice. I didn’t want to deal with my feelings. About Mr. Yesterday, about my husband, about my status as an unemployed mother with a sick teenager.

I always hated even thinking about relapse. The possibility frightened me. It threatened everything. But I never thought it would go down like this.

My husband went and bought it. He found Mr. Yesterday’s number in my phone and that’s all it took. I called to try and get some resolution. To see if the jerk would answer his phone. Not for any other reason. But it doesn’t matter. A trigger is a trigger… stress is stress.

I caught him. He turned it over. We resolved it… but I was not happy. He was disgusted with himself.

And I was left holding a big bag of coke, and I had no courage. No willpower.

It slowly, gradually disappeared up my nose, and I got a lot of housework done. Oddly though I felt better about nothing. I felt like shit. I felt like a moron, a weakling, everything I hate. I had turned into the very thing I had refused to live with. I began to feel like I was having a problem until I gave what I had left to a friend.

I was glad to get rid of it. But now everything I was trying to avoid is still here. I am resolved to deal with it without numbing myself out. My husband managed 60+ days clean, and can do it again. So can I.

I crave a normal life more than I ever craved cocaine.