Over February 23, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Family, Heartbreak, Life, Love, Marriage, Memories, Random, Recovery, Suspicion, Thoughts, Willpower, loneliness, relationships, separation.add a comment
The unexpected never takes me by surprise. Even this morning when my husband told me over the phone he was leaving me. Because of one spam email from an internet dating site. One I never even checked out… I just ended up on their list.
Maybe he is just looking for a reason. I have no idea.
And I had just put my ring back on.
After all this time, it doesn’t make sense. I feel like an idiot. His son is devastated. I could tell when he heard my end of the conversation.
I don’t think he is using. I know I’m not. Maybe I will just have to learn to live without him anyway. But I don’t think the Lexapro is enough for all this.
Crash February 22, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Love, Marriage, Random, Recovery, Thoughts, Willpower, Work, relationships.add a comment
I guess I am feeling better now or I couldn’t write at all. I have never just hit the wall like I did yesterday. I had not done anything in a day or so and decided not to, and I just felt like total crap. It was all I could do to just get out of bed and try to look presentable. I laid around feeling sorry for myself and took a Lexapro. Then of course I attributed any suicidal thoughts I had to that one pill. I hate Lexapro. I have reasons. But I hate being depressed and trying to get by on cocaine even more. I hope this helps… at least for a little while. I am at a point that I will try it even though I don’t trust it. My husband is on it, and has been for about three weeks. He seems to be thinking more clearly and not as dark about everything. I am happy for him, and wish I felt that way too. I don’t think he knows how bad the monkey on my back has gotten, but maybe he’s just waiting on me to ask for help. I hope I don’t have to. I want to do it myself.
Still, I dread work tomorrow so badly. And I don’t want to just rant about it. Such a trigger for me… that feeling of doom. Makes me want to have a drink, just do anything not to think about it. Pitiful!
I am trying to be hopeful about this week… but I wonder if I will end up leaving my job or not, and that is stressful. It’s a horrible time to be looking for work. It’s a horrible time for a lot of things, I guess. For some things in life, there is never a good time … you just have to get through it and hope for the fucking best.
Escape February 20, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Antidepressents, Cocaine, Drugs, Life, Random, Recovery, Thoughts, Willpower, Work, relationships.Tags: Addiction, Cocaine, coke, control, employment, escape, Lexapro, Life, medication, pharmeceuticals, Random, relationships, self-abuse, stress, substances, tension, thinking, Thoughts, Work
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I’m all fucked up. My sinuses hurt from having a bacterial infection that I am taking antibiotics for, while secretly using off and on for the past few days. I am a genius. This week I actually quit my job, and then took it back when I realized what I was doing (humiliating!)… No one was going to beg me to stay, but they hate to lose me, and since I need that stupid job I guess we’re all even. If I could just get in a better mindset I would be able to shrug off the constant swearing and tension. I wouldn’t need an assortment of substances, one of which makes my nose BLEED, to get through the day. I wouldn’t need to be numb. I yearn to live in the moment and truly appreciate the people around me, or the job at hand, without looking for away to escape it.
I am seriously considering starting back on Lexapro (yuck!) this weekend so the first two days of weirdness won’t interfere with things like, well, driving. Nothing can intoxicate and medicate like the pharmaceuticals that our doctors dole out on a regular basis. Makes smoking pot feel like eating chocolate cake.
Impulse February 16, 2009
Posted by cokewidow in Addiction, Cocaine, Disappointment, Drugs, Life, Random, Recovery, Thoughts, Willpower, Work, relationships.1 comment so far
Thank God today was a good day. No impulses to hook up with my dealer that I couldn’t deal with… of course, had he answered his phone it might be another story.
I have no willpower. I feel empty, out-of-sorts, nervous, and just well, sad. I have to just grit my teeth to get through this job every day. I like to think getting away would be the answer. But would it? I would only take myself wherever I went…
My husband should understand but really doesn’t. I think he doesn’t like to think it is all his fault.
