Background

This is a story of love versus cocaine…

My life with my husband began with a simple dream, blossomed into a beautiful life and then went to Hell because of cocaine addiction. The man I loved, and who once loved me, is gone. Although there is no headstone to give me closure, I feel like a widow. He left me alone with his son, to care for. He left his son without a father.

I never knew if love or drugs would win in the end.  It began as a journal and became the only place I could run to. I had no idea that it would become a story that would write itself.

In the end, I believe ours is a story of survival. But let it be a cautionary tale.

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212 responses to “Background

  1. I’m not sure how I came across your blog. I actually just got back from a counselor, and we discussed my ex- wife’s cocaine addiction. Two years ago, we separated and divorced. I have never stopped loving her through that, and have always remained in touch. Now, I’m seeing her again and its so hard to know. Your stories are exactly like mine. The money, stealing, even the wedding ring missing one month after our separation. Certainly they must love us, but I guess we can’t understand addiction. Cocaine, in particular seems to have this exact story. Loss of money and lying are the big part and then of course just wondering how someone that loves you so much can do this. Within a couple weeks of moving out my ex had met a man to do coke with and had a baby with him. That was seriously devastating after 12 years of marriage without kids. Still, I want to get her back and fix her. Love is powerful, but not as powerful. I’d like to keep up with your stories and let you know how mine goes. Lets hope for happy endings.

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    • Bless you, I am going through a bad time at the moment with my husband, I just don’t know what way to turn. I have tried and tried and its breaking my heart. I send you all my love and best wishes stay strong x

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      • Thank you! I don’t know your situation but i wish you luck, peace of mind and hope. Hang in there and remember, tomorrow is another day. x

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      • This is the closest I’ve come to finding support. I’m glad I found this. Can’t even remember what sad search query brought me here. I don’t want to back up and check.

        I wrote a very long post. I despise writing. Putting thoughts into coherent sentences is like pulling my teeth out, but wow, I had a lot to say. Still it was just a tiny slice. It’s too long and ugly and self-centered to slap onto this bit of bitter-sweet camaraderie I’ve stumbled upon here. It’s now in a sad little file called coke.txt

        Thank you guys for being out there and posting.

        Jim from 2008, I hope you find your way back here. It’s scary and comforting to read; it sounds like what’s swirling around me right now but with the clarity of a couple years of separation and reflection. Jacqueline, I couldn’t have imagined this kind of heartbreak. Widow, thank you for creating this space.

        I never even made it past this post before I just had to start writing my sad rambling… I don’t know what to call it. Not a normal thing for me (I’m reader, not a poster).

        I’ll just post this instead of my crap,
        “that drugs got you like I want you” (Slug of Atmosphere)

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      • Hi. Desperate for people to talk to who are going through or who have gone through this.
        I’m a mum of 2- married for 8 years together for 15. Cocaine has always been there and now it’s broken us.
        Can people really beat this and become the person you want them to be or does it just rot away every good fibre until a shell of the person is all that’s left?
        Counsellors didn’t help ( quit after 6 weeks), didn’t get on with NA and CA are too far away for us. Calling the police to my house and paramedics just to frighten him into getting help didn’t work. And eventually getting a court order to stop him living with us didn’t work. ( 6 weeks of therapy and empty promises ..)
        Would love up talk to more people …

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      • Hi All. In response to all the questions of if an addict can change- Its a big YES. But, he or she has to surrender. And that means they have give up the life they are living . For me it meant going to Rehab, therapy and completely changing my job ( i was in the restaurant business for 25 years). I am a recovering addict. I now speak at rehabs in my city as a motivational speaker and I share what I went through. Addiction is a sneaky disease that makes you think its ok to use when it is not. To speak is to release the pressure built up and to acknowledge the sick. Its not easy to quit and there are days when I want to use but instead of isolating, I call someone and ask if I can go spend time with them or I go work out. An addict is a person with a disease- just like heart disease, liver disease, but it affects the mind. An addict has to really want to quit, they really have to not want the life of addiction anymore. Its a long road but it is possible. Every journey starts with a step. Writing , talking , sharing, meditation can be all parts of the process. Honesty, while tough to get to begin with, will appear. My heart goes out to all who write on here. Stay strong. I hope this helps. Matty.

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  2. Thank you. I am soo glad that I found you. I wish I couldn’t relate, but I understand every word….. Mine just left us on father’s day. We gave him lovely cards- the four kids and I. I didn’t see it coming…. But he hadn’t come home the night before – a horrible bottom hitting night for both of us and we both knew he needed to leave to get sober. He actually wanted to go -well- we are pretty much out of money so that makes sense.
    he left me with the kids and a big financial mess and a new house in a family neighborhood- and a broken family.
    Our boys are little- 4 and 7= and Daddy stopped tucking them in and reading them stories and somehow I am supposed to fill in the blanks? They miss him. I miss him.
    My 10 year old girl helps some- but she is confused as to where her Daddy is too- she knows more than a 10 year old should. She is not done being a child and doesn’t need grown up responsibilities. She shuts herself in the room at night and I do my juggle of getting the other three to bed. they usually sleep in my room- It is all too much to handle and he doesn’t want to have them all either.
    He is in rehab- and does not want to come home. he is a different man than I knew. His father abandonded him and he doesn’t see that he is doing the same. I am scared and angry and sad.
    My faith in God is skeptical at best- I had been a church regular- but I feel abandoned by HIM. I have seen devestation which doesn’t always get answered by prayers. I know blah blah…HIS plan for us- not our plan for us. Well- that is fine to a point. But when HIS plan involves taking me down the cheesegrater of life- while I see others living in relatively stable conditions- I start to get a little uncooperative. I realize no one’s life is ideal- but surely if God loves me he has a better plan than this?! Maybe I will find a “better” man someday- but then why the heck did HE lead me to this one? and let me make all these kids with him and have a wonderful life with him -just to take it away and have us go through all this pain? No, I believe in reality. It just happened due to choices that were made. Yes- cloudy choices at times. and yes- maybe a higher power can help guide us out of the mess- but really- you gotta do most of the work- and I want some credit for that!
    I will be OK. I am going on day by day. unsure of what is next- will it get worse before it gets better? probably. I am scared, but take baby steps through it all.
    Wishing peace and serenity to others out there. This is a tough road and real life doesn’t always have happy endings.

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    • I am going through this my love, isn’t it so sad for us wives and children. They will never know how much they have hurt us. I send you all my love and best wishes. Do you ever wish you had a magic wand to make it all go away and be happy xx

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      • Hi , just found out husband been using cocaine recently, found rolled up notes in his pocket and he’s being really secretive with phone, never used to be like this, been together 25 years, he’s always blowing nose and makes out it’s hay fever, after confronting him, he went mad and said he can’t live with me.. Called me a control freak, watching him all the time, checking the money and his pockets, he is always sweating, so I told him to go to doctors is this a sign ? Always going in toilet and I hear paper rustling and tapping !! Also his eyes are always dilated …. I have to leave my phone downstairs so he can have access to it, but his is always on him, don’t let it out of his sight, my world has truly come crashing down, he knows I hate drugs and calls me a saint, what should I do ?? Please advise so SAD…

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    • I understand your frustrations and I empathize with your situation love your husband leaving you high and dry. It’s difficult always understand what the Lord doesn’t our life I have been away from church for a while part of me is a little on cooperative and life because of the people nature of God’s children on how they use the Lord to manipulate their life music for too much blessing and not enough discipline for what is truth. I do understand that when we go to it adversity that there is challenges and it is difficult. To share part of my story I was sexually abused as a young man and it up being addicted to pornography pornography has been part of my life for many years. The reason I mentioned in this is the source of the geography in the Gateway started through the most of molestation of my anger towards truth and discipline of what the Lord wants. What I have found that in my frustration I was able to find healing and understanding the actions of myself because I was angry at what my life has given so I use my energy to help men that have gone through troubled times will there be a photography or would it be abuse and it gives me so is that there is people like myself who have struggled. I’m not trying to give you a solution or a purpose or reason or an excuse for the way you feel but its journey that we are on sometimes we can covet others lives and think that there’s is so much better. On the surface materialism can play a very big mystery in our lives people superficial responsive and understanding isn’t always there truth. In life it takes a special person to go deep into the Narrows of anxiety depression suicidal thoughts being broke having to do it ourselves. Maybe there’s an opportunity to help other women that are in the same situation as you who can truly understand your frustration. Don’t give up your children need you your children are counting on you if you have to cry yourself to sleep that is OK but stay strong for your children it will thank you for it when they’re older.

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  3. Hi,
    Just came across your blog….I have been where you’ve been and are where you are….The trust is gone and I can’t get it back. I am faced at night with the reality of finding the difference between letting go and giving up. I just want my children to be safe and happy. I cannot believe this is my life I am living…..:(

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    • I sit here crying as I read these entries, crying because I am in the same sad mess and feel like my life is so broken. My girl is 5 and I never dreamed I would be living this life or be married to a man like this. I read the people here and know too well the lying, stealing and pawning the wedding ring. I am so sad and for the first time in my life do not know what to do… best of wishes for peace to us all.

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      • I have had the wedding ring pawned, isn’t it heartbreaking, do we ever heel. I wish I could find a happy ending x I want peace in my life for once xx god bless you. I really don’t know what to do my heart is breaking xx

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  4. My daughter and i lost her father to cocaine. I relate to every word I have read here. I tried a tough love, my way or the high way approach. Only to get a phone call asking me to identify him. It’s a devastating loss. But I am grateful every day that my daughter (who was one) does not have to live the life I feared she would. There is pain and there is peace, but it takes faith and vigilance to choose peace.

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  5. I am so totally hurt and confused. I’ve been married 13 years been together 21. Last year my husband started acting as if he HATED me. I asked why we hadn’t been intimate and he said there’s no more love there. He started to act as if I didn’t exist. The pain was unbearable. I cried, I tried and I talk to the pastor. He would go in rages for the least of things. One day he came home and we had an incident – he accused me of throwing hot water on him. I was burned he was burned. I left in fear and ignorance(trying to prevent both of us from getting arrested). The next day I came home he went and took out a restraining order on me. I was DEVASTED. I had never done anything to see it coming. I was locked up as a result of the burn. I have lost my home, my belongings and my life. The judge took the position that I had the arrest then I was the baD person. NO ONE HAS LISTENED TO MY SIDE. He also filed for divorce. Then I find out that he is on cocaine. I am so lost because I keep asking myself how I could have not known. Does drugs make a person do these things. I just don’t know. I don’t want to be in denial but I feel lost and confused.

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    • Yes. It makes them do crazy things. Like abuse you, lie, steal, cheat and just try to make you feel miserable. My husband truly believes in his heart that I hate him. He thinks I’m his enemy. Everything I say or do irritates him. He wants to hurt me just for being around.He is ashamed and embarrassed so he lies I’m my face to try to hide it. When he is really high he talks to me nice and once the withdrawal kicks in he wants to kill me. It’s sad but true. The smallest things set him off. Like telling him our puppy was sick made him go crazy. Luckily his friend was here to stop him from beating on me. At first I felt like he really hates me and it was something I did wrong but I know that’s not true. He loves me and has given up a lot just to be with me. Now he is out of control and using coke. The man who die for me is gone. His addiction has taken over his soul. He tries to stop but the withdrawal is so bad and he gets confused and has rage fits. My heart is completely broken.

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  6. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.. I am 27 turning 28 this tuesday and i left my husband on eyear ago because of his coke addiction… recently he has given up on seeing his own son.. i thought i was over it or stronger than this but daily i cry myself to sleep because i love him and i am just shocked that this is not the man i loved or knew and cant come to terms that he is what he is now and not the same person.. my counsellor says i need to let go but i cant help but wonder if he is okay or with someone knew or what he is up too.. he breaks my heart.. i havent seen him in 1 month since he stopped picking up his son and it is killing me because i miss him so much. the man i trusted and loved the man i thought would give me forever.. just gone..

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    • In 3 days I will be clean for 3 months. I grew up with drugs around me and when I was a teenager my dad started smoking crack. He’s been clean for almost 4 years. I watched him go from my hero to a piece of shit who stole from his own daughter and his whores would to, back to being the father I had. I’m sorry your son had to deal with this. I was with my ex and he was the one who got me started on cocaine. He has a 4 year old who I just love to death and pieces and I miss them both every day. I wonder how my boys are every day. Just keep your head up. I know its hard but one day at a time.

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    • I have a little daughter and my ex-husband is cocaine addicted. I still Love him, I pray for him. He is different person since I met him,because now he is a cocaine abused. I cry for him and everyday I cope with loss of him,because he chooses drugs and it took him from me,from our daughter, from God’s Love. If I could help him, if I could give his back as he was before..i would do anything possible. But I am only person and I can only pray for him..

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    • I know that. I lived with it. But when someone will not let you help them and continues to drag you down with them, you have no choice but to save yourself. I hope you get some help if you are indeed a “smackhead” because you are killing yourself. And you are probably hurting someone who loves you.

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  7. I entered cocaine addiction and divorce in Google and your blog came up. I am extremely glad I read it. I am the addict who did all the horrible things in my addiction. I was married for less than 8 mnths and thank god there were no children involved. I cheated, I lied, I stole and I tried to commit suicide because of all the grief and shame I felt. The day I got out of detox, my wife met me and handed me the divorce papers. All my stuff had been moved out- she had found out I had cheated on her by hacking into my email when I was in the detox. I was numb and I was defeated. I relapsed many times over the next year and it finally took me to fully surrender and quit my job ( i had already been fired from one) to fully get it. The drug is a horrible disease but it is a disease. I am not making excuses at all. I did some horrible things and I have paid for them over the last year over and over again. The best thing I can do for myself is to ask for help and hope that my ex-wife heals. I love her still and wish I could explain to her this disease but that is impossible. We have not spoken since the separation and that has been the toughest part-not seeing or talking to her. But, I am responsible for this. It is my responsibility to ask for help and get better. I believe it shows true courage to stand up and admit you are sick. I just wish I would have done it sooner, before I screwed up so bad there was no way back. I go to NA meetings all the time and I have bad days but I am starting to grow and it is because of blogs like this. Thank you.

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  8. I am sorry for your pain and your ex-wife’s pain. No one should have to feel it.

    Your welcome for writing, but knowing that you and others still read it make it worth it. I still get hits. Apparently the problem isn’t going away… Keep in touch.

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  9. i got married in september 2012 to a man i adore, unfortunately he has been taken by the addiction.for the past two weeks my world has been turned upside down, i told his older children (from his previous marraige) i was scared he was going to kill himself and i just broke down after being in a dark lonely place for just too long.The last two weeks have been devastating , every one hates me and he is now putting on an act unbelievable …one of the sons has moved in and refuses to see that he had an addiction… Since last september on my wedding day i have dealt with such inner pain , he has cheated on me with his x, spends most of his time with her as she takes the drug,ive been labled boring and have been thrown out of our bedroom, dealt with shocking abusive behaviour of high levels of mental cruelty.When he is home he locks himself away and texts filth to his x throughout the nigt…im now feeling lost and desparately sad, me telling the family was only out of desparation and care for his wellbeing.he was on it morning noon and night…was i wrong.now i have lost all i ever wanted .this drug truely wrecks lives .i spend my time alone not knowing my place in now his fake existance…im sure he will relapse.He is now acting as if he has ocd and his body is a tempel?have i betrayed him i feel so sad

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    • You have not betrayed anyone. He has betrayed you and you are a victim of his addiction. If his family doesn’t listen it is because of denial. Do not waste your time on them… or him, either, if he doesn’t want help. If he doesn’t say he will stop talking to his ex and go to counseling and NA meetings, you need to pack up and get out. You do not deserve to be thrown out of your own bedroom. You cannot change him or his family, and their loyalty will lie with him, maybe until he steals from them, maybe never. No matter how much it hurts or how lonely you might feel, you will not be wasting your life worrying about this man. He is not worrying about you. Please know that you are not alone, and that many, including me have walked down the dark path of surrender. You have to give up, draw the line and go toward the unknown, because the life you have now is Hell. It’s not because of anything you have done, and that is the hard part to swallow… but you have to accept it and move on. It’s not your fault, but you have to do something about it if he won’t. You have to trust in your heart that eventually the path AWAY from this man and his addiction will lead you to a brighter tomorrow. Unless he gets help, staying with him will only cause you more and more pain.

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      • People do not understand how we feel, the ones who are left to pick up and carry on when all we want to do most of the time is go to bed an pull the covers over and have some inner peace. I myself are going through hell at the moment with my husband and do not know what way to turn. I have fought so hard to save my marriage, also protect my daughter as she does not have a clue. she adores her dad and he can not do any wrong in her eyes, like most children I suppose. My husband is such a lovely man clean and I know he loves me but it isn’t enough anymore. He has been attending N/A for four months and has 3 crashes the most recent last night. He is waiting to start the 12 steps. I have hit the ground and do not know what way to turn xxxxx Bless you all

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  10. you are talking from the heart i know…ive even had to tolerate men in my bedroom because of that rubbish he takes, i moved my business to our home office got rid of all my belongings and even moved my horses,my sons joined the forces and now my business is in trouble as i spent so much time dealing with all of his business while he was either taking the cocaine with her or on a come down and nowmy carpet has been pulled from beneath me.i feel so insecure and on my own.im worried sick about my now very big financial commitments along with all the emotional pain.how can someone who has consumed so many drugs on a daily basis now put on such a front…im so shocked.i just dont know anything anymore im so confused.i feel so unwell

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    • Sorry it took so long to reply. Please take it from me that it is good to distract yourself… Of course, worrying about money is never good. But do distance yourself from him now and protect yourself, financially and emotionally. Don’t allow him in any part of your life. You are shocked because you are grieving. Look up the stages… this is like a death, and it will feel that way. Allow yourself time to be upset but do go on. I believe it was Winston Churchill who said “If you are going through hell, keep going.” It will end. I promise.

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      • Yes it was Winston Churchill who said that. Keep on going that’s all we can do. It is so hard I know I am on the same journey as you my dear, I wish I had a magic wand to take away all the pain and stress. I have other people to look after as I work from home in the care field who need me so I have to keep on going. Have faith and believe in your self. It was not your fault or mine. A door closes for another one to open, we may not see that right now but our time will come because we so deserve it x god bless you and me xx

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  11. I recently met a young man who I thought completed me in every way. We could talk for hours on end. He was funny, sweet, sensitive, and an amazing lover. In the beginning he would always send me sweet messages and we had this wonderful supportive friendship. We both had difficult pasts and broken families and I felt lucky to find someone to connect with on that level. We became close so quickly and even started finishing each other’s sentences. I felt energized and happy to be that girl who finally found love. On Christmas day we both found ourselves alone, but he made me breakfast and we laid in bed together all day cuddling and kissing and I thought that everything was more than perfect. Well…

    One night he confessed to using coke regularly (nearly every weekend) and after that things weren’t the same. Suddenly he was treating me like I was nothing. All the promises for dates, dinners, and outings were off the table. Now all I got were late night phone calls and last minute beer requests. I realized there were other women in his life and parties he went to that I couldn’t attend. I went from feeling special to feeling cheap and used. I realized there were times when he was overly confident/talkative/sexual and other times where he would become irate with me and only wanted to sleep the day away. He also disappeared to the bathroom nearly every hour. One night I took his phone to order some food for us and he jumped on top of me, grabbed my wrists and pried the phone from my hands because he thought I was looking through it and he didn’t want me to see his texts to other women. I was so shocked at his behavior that I almost cried. Now that I remember that same night he also told me it was likely I would be replaced by another girl in 6 months. It started to seem like he really wanted to hurt me or maybe it was just the truth. At that point I knew we couldn’t even be friends.

    He denied any addiction, but that was the only thing I could point to for a reason for all of his madness and erratic behavior. I’ve ignored his phone calls and told him to leave me alone even though I fell so hard and fast in love with the amazing, gentle person he was when I met him. The last time I spoke to him I heard pain and regret in his voice. Sometimes I think: if only I could see him again, hold him again, kiss him. If only I could numb my pain/boredom/emptiness with something now that he is gone. But I’m trying to have faith, trust myself, and do what is right for me. Almost a month later and the uncertainty is still unbearable.

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    • You did the best thing you could have done in leaving. The behavior you described is more like a daily user. I’m sorry. Unless he WANTS help. you need to help yourself. You already know this. Good luck and keep in touch!

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  12. Last September my wife and I decided she should move to Thailand while I was working in another country as the work was due to end and made sense to move before it did. We have both used cocaine occasionally and did so in early November as a one off. I went back to work and without me knowing she continued to buy coke. We used to talk on Skype every night and text, but one night she was totally silent and not online. Next morning she said she left her phone in the dentist. Ok, as I always trusted her I didn’t question too much. Next night the same…. Where are you? By night three she was enraged by me wanting to know why she was staying out all night and from then on has been a completely different human being. Aggressive, manipulative, a liar, steeling from me in large amounts. We are both back in England now, after she ran off with another guy which also failed fairly fast and she suddenly decided she loved me and had made a big mistake and wanted to try again. This I nearly believed, even with some obviously coke related rages from her, until a week ago after her relative was worried that a short trip to the shops had gone on over an hour and a half too long and called me, and I found her in a pub, completely wasted and drooling all over some other guy. This resulted in more rage from her blaming me for anything possible to avoid accepting any responsibility. Her family tried to reason with her, but as soon as she could she returned to the same bar and has not been in touch with me since.
    This has pretty much broken me, I adored her and never cheated, and for many years she seemed to do the same. Since last September I have found out about a string of men she has been with including the guy she left thailand for and has probably moved in with the guy from the bar last week.
    Can this all be cocain? We had a great life, money, houses in 3 countries, fun, I doted on her she doted on me. Now she hates me, treats me like rubbish and is only nice when she runs out of money.
    I feel so destroyed by how she is being I am not sure why I wake up each day anymore, I can’t understand where my wonderful wife went.
    Can this all be down to drugs? The occasions I tried coke, it didn’t really grab me at all so I really don’t understand how it can change someone from being so nice to being so hurtful.

    Are there support groups that can help me to understand this? I get that I’ve lost her, I would just like to understand how.

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    • It most likely is cocaine and you probably should try an NA group if there are any in your area. Cocaine makes people chase it and the high it gives them. They will do this at the expense of everything in their life, things that once meant the world to them. I don’t know what your wife is doing or thinking but it sounds like addiction. People will become the very opposite of what you know. I cannot tell you how to accept it or get through it. It has taken me year to be able to talk to my ex, and sometimes I still cry. He is damaged. Our marriage is over. If you have children, please get them out of this situation… your first concern should be yourself and your kids. Talk to your family and friends, and try to find someone with experience with this situation. Just having someone to listen can mean a lot.

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      • You sound like a very good person, I wish you all the best on your journey. good will come to you, you just have to believe it will. I am going through it myself so I can understand your heartache.xx

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  13. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS MESSAGE FROM THE HEART , I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN TO LOVE SOMEONE WITH AN ADDICTION , I’ve BEEN THERE MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE WITH MEN I LOVED . I LOST MY FIRST LOVE TO HERRO , & HAD TO GET A DIVORCE FROM MY EX LAST YEAR BECAUSE OF HIS ADDICTION TO CRACK COCAIN , IT HURTS TO HAVE TO ALWAYS BE STRONG WHILE DEALING WITH THE PAIN DRUG ADDICTION CAN BRING ON .

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    • Hang in there Toni… it isn’t easy but you will get through it. Time is the only thing that makes it better.

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  14. I’ve been marred for 12 years. A year and a half ago I found out my husband had an affair. Four months ago I found out he uses cocaine. He really hasn’t said how long he’s been using but says it’s not regular. He told me he wouldn’t do it anymore and I could test him. Yesterday I found a straw stuffed in a sock under the mattress while I was making the bed. I am sick. What if my son had found it? He has spent so much money (but he’s not an addict) we are in financial ruin. Our house is being foreclosed on, we are renting, but will have to leave soon. I can’t take it anymore. My poor child had been wondering why we ate fighting. I’ve told no one about this.

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    • The best thing you can do, Melissa, for yourself and your child is to move on, and I mean physically leave… without him. When it is time for you to get another apartment, get one without him. Let your mortgage company know the reason for your foreclosure and make sure it is noted on your credit report. Start saving now. I know it sounds businesslike, but if you are going to fall apart, do it later. Be strong now… think like a mother, not a heart-broken wife. You may feel like falling apart… try to wait and fall apart after you have a safe warm place for you and your child without the fighting. He is doing more harm than good in your life at this point. I’m so sorry. I know 12 years is a long time.

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  15. My husband is a coke addict! I want to leave for a better life for me and my liitle girl but the hard thing is she loves her daddy so much I cant stand the fact that i must hurt her to be able to save her……. I honestly think my love for him is dead but what do I do not to break my little girls heart?

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    • My advice, without knowing the age of your daughter, is this: protect her from whatever you can. Quietly make plans to leave and if you can get your husband’s cooperation, if you can talk to him about YOUR DAUGHTER’S BEST INTEREST, then maybe he can help in the transition or at least not make it worse. The important thing is to make your daughter feel as if she is NOT losing her father or access to him. Unfortunately, you cannot control your husband’s response to you leaving, and what I proposed is a best-case scenario. Her heart will not be broken, I hope, but it may be, like yours, affected by your husband’s addiction. It isn’t fair that some of us are literally PUSHED out of our homes by another person’s behavior, and I feel for you. I am sorry you are going through it. But look at it as a new beginning… and try to make the move as calm and happy as you can. Your child will sense your distress… Don’t make it worse by bashing your husband, letting her see the two of you fight or or over-explaining things. If she asks questions, tell her the truth. Daddy has a problem and he needs to work on it OR Daddy is sick and needs to get better (which is not a lie) — keep it age appropriate. Do not blame him, even though the blame is HIS. Your daughter will blame him herself one day if he does not make the effort to be “Daddy” … It isn’t necessary to tell her that his problem is cocaine, unless she is old enough to already know. On the other hand, do not make excuses for him. If you don’t know why he does or says something, tell her. If he breaks promises, it’s ok to let her know you are unhappy about it. You are human. Let her know it’s ok to have feelings, whatever they may be. Be prepared to be Mom and Dad for awhile. The biggest mistake I made was sharing TOO MUCH with my son, even though he is grown. I feel guilty every day for not hiding my stress and my grief… because he had his own to work through. Then again, we share a bond from surviving this, and can talk freely about it. My hope for you is that your husband will get clean and that you two can work together. If not, cut him loose like a diseased limb and carry on. Be the best mother you can be and your daughter will be fine. Good luck!

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      • I am the husband of Hurt.

        The truth is that Hurt introduced me to the coke. She managed to stop, but I was to weak and selfish to stop.

        She took your advise and managed to, by agreement between us, get me to move to my father as she said she couldn’t support me.

        No excuses, but at the time I felt as if, given her experience with drugs would be the ideal person to help me.

        I literally felt rejected scared and alone.

        She took your advise and will be moving into her new place the end of the month.

        I have managed to put the coke thing behind me.

        I found that it is very important to search for the reason why one persists with it. In my case it was an escape from a lot of pain.

        I had to address that first in order to realise that drugs is no answer or pain killer. One has to work through the cause.

        In my stupidity I lashed out against my wife for “abandoning” me. I was totally wrong. She tried to protect our daughter.

        She has managed to move on and we will be divorced early next month. She has started dating again and she is extremely happy with her new life and the future.

        I am very proud of how she managed to cope and how strong she is.

        Warning to all we addicts. The drugs will destroy your life.

        It is a chose we make to take the poison. A selfish and childish escape from reality.

        I am slowly but surely gaining my balance again. I only took it for nine months. In March we agreed to stop. I didn’t and in less than four months I lost my wife’s love and respect.

        My advise. If you haven’t touched it, never ever, no matter the circumstances take any form of drugs. There is no need for it in your life

        If you have become an addict, search for the reason why you are trying to escape from reality. Address it and just stop.

        Live life to the fullest. Appreciate what you have and take care of it. Treasure it. Sometimes there is no second chances.

        Even I realise I’m lucky not to have lost everything. The hurt of losing my wife will keep on battering me for a long time but at least Im now in a position to deal with it.

        Good luck to you all

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      • I am sorry for your loss. You should be proud of yourself as well for managing to stop your use, even if it was too late for your marriage. You can still be a father to your daughter, and that is the most important thing. I think you should use your experience to help other people. I think you would be very good at it. Thank you for sharing, and good luck.

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  16. I too am going thro same thing,was married for 15 yrs.,to an alcoholic(like that wasnt bad enough),found out he has had a coke problem for years ,to the point he has a hole in his nose,he has abandoned me and boys,lost his job,we lost our house,and he has been having an affair w/his cokehead brothers wife-who is always harrassing me,..what i dont get is their cycles,..he will leave her and want me back,then awhile later,he dont want me anymore,its her,…this cycle has been goin on for years-i caint take it anymore,i just pray he gets help,i do love him,he was once a very dear man-never thought he would ever turn on me,breaks my heart to the point i have heart pain.

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    • You have been jerked around by this man before so you know it will happen again. Unless he wants help, you need to worry about you and your children. Go see a doctor and tell him what you have told me. Get help for yourself. Do not worry about the hole in your husband’s nose. He hasn’t. Start saving money and make a plan to financially survive without him, and the next time he leaves DO NOT let him back in the house. Your sons deserve better than to see this. Let his girlfriend have him. Make sure you are not mean, spiteful and too angry… I know it’s frustrating but let your boys see you as the mature one, open to talking, offering help but standing a firm ground. You also deserve better than to be treated this way. Once you are apart from him, you can begin to grieve. Make sure he knows you are wiling to help and that you will take care of your children. Beyond that you owe him nothing. Also, you may find getting help from him is impossible without legal intervention. Don’t be surprised by this… in the full throes of addiction, addicts usually tend to choose drugs over their children. Please let us know how you are doing. Good luck.

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  17. Hi , im lost and need some help , the man i love is a cocaine addict ,i new he was a weekend user and that didnt bother me so much , as time went on i realised it was a big problem ,we have been together for about 3 yrs , he started getting on in the week and on some nites he would never come home ,his phone off leaving me worried sick about him , we are always short off money and that horrible powder always seems to come first when he gets paid , its not every day once ,twice a week , but the amount that is used is not the odd rap, he will sniff untill every penny he has has gone up his noise , last year he had a heart attack and he promised he would never use again … anyway i found out he has been back on it and even more , he gets angry with me when i try 2 talk about it with him ,and says such terrible things 2 me , i so want 2 help him we spent one weekend getting 2 the problem as i thought ,then 10 later he is back at it , he always feels terrible after and he is so low in himself it kills me 2 see him like this ,but i need help , and who can help us , i love him so much and im so worried he will have another heart attack and die .

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  18. My advice would be different if I knew whether you have children together or not. If he wants help, you can contact your nearest hospital for a referral to N/A or maybe rehab if you have insurance. But he has to want the help, not pretend to want it. If he only apologizes and goes right back to it, from my experience he may never change until something bad happens, If a heart attack didn’t scare him enough to take care of his health I would be worried too. I know you love him but you have to be ready to lose him… because you might. You may already have. It takes a lot of commitment to get clean and to stay with someone who is clean. Do you still trust this man? Love without trust is a hard way to live. Steer him toward help if you can but let him make the decision. If he chooses the drugs, you have to move on. And though it will not be easy, you will have to let go because you deserve better.

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  19. we dont have children together ,he does have a boy off 10 , but he lives with his mum ,we see him all the time ,and i know my partner feels terrible after and hates himself thinking hes letting his boy down , its just so hard i dont want 2 give up on him at all ,as he is such a great person , he has not touched any since i last wrote on here , but i know he will be starting 2 get that feeling very soon off needing that high, its such a habbit for him , hes scared he will lose me and im more scared off losing him 2 this discusting drug ,im angry with him ,but i also understand him and its not his fault anymore as he is an addict , i trust him in everyway ,he would never cheat but i dont trust him if he was 2 go out drinking not 2 touch it , and thats what hurts more than anything as i lay there feeling sick worrying about him , i do know if he wont stop i will lose him , its just so so hard i feel helpless , its just crazy we have such a lovely life together but he forgets all this ,forgets me when hes on this stuff its as though he loves that more than me , fingers crossed we will get through this wk with out him nipping off ,i know its a long road but i will do my best 2 help him through this .

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    • I’m in so much pain right now. I cry a couple times a day and even cry myself to sleep about my boyfriend, the love of my life. He admitted to me about having a cocaine addiction. I almost fainted. I love this man so much. We planned our first child together whom I named after him. It’s been two weeks since he’s spent the night at my house. He has come home to take a shower and change clothes only once. He goes to work wearing the same clothes for days from wherever he stays and he’s loosing so much weight. I beg him to come home and he’d promise to but never do. He says that I drove him to do it and now I feel guilty. I feel like I’m going into a state of depression. Why me? I just want things to go back to the way they were when we’d go out to eat, have fun. I feel like I’m about to loose my mind

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      • You are in shock… and this is a traumatic event for you. If he is not taking showers and he is losing weight, it is not a good sign. I hate to tell you, but you already know that he has to WANT to go back to the way things were as much as you do… enough to get help and stop using. If he doesn’t then you cannot fix it. You need to take care of yourself. This addict is not the man you fell in love with. I wish I knew the secret that would return addicts to their former selves, but in my experience, I am not sure it is possible. Just the addiction itself, the behavior like lying and stealing, have an effect on a person even if they stop. He needs to get treatment but if he won’t, I hope you will start to emotionally distance yourself from the relationship for your own sanity. Feel free to email me privately if you need to talk.

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  20. I have been married to an addict for 4 years. He stayed out all night countless times, he denied his usage in the beginning but once I found out it got worst, he would miss alot of work stay gone all night and come home in just enough time to go to work. I went from being his best friend to being the one he hated . He would make promises and breal them all, he would lie. I lost all respect from him and our arguments became very aggresive. After struggling, ptaying and believing all his lies for 4 years, I finally put him out for good. He has been gone for 6 weeks , He has moved in with another woman, posted there oics on facebook and I was served with divorce papers this past Fri. After all I gave and all I tried and all I endured this is what I get..

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    • You may feel shafted, but you also get freedom, hope, a life full of tomorrows that are not filled with lies. He is her problem now, remember that. No one posts the bullshit and ugliness on Facebook. I’m sorry this happened to you. But you will come out stronger and better for it. No one deserves to live a lie. Good luck to you!

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    • Anytime! I am pulling for you. Being alone is hard, but it is much better than being taken advantage of. Hold your head high. You are going to be okay. And thank you.

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  21. I have been married just under 8 months. During the year we were engaged, he didn’t come home a few times. I believed his reasons. But after we got married it happened more often, and 6 months in was happening on a weekly basis-the day he got paid each week. He finally came home high and was “caught” using cocaine. He admittedto drug use “occassionally” and a multitude of other crippling lies. I left him and after promises to stop and seek therapy I returned. We started going on dates and I thought we were on the road to recovery. I had told him if he ever used again we would have to get divorced. A few days ago he told me he was at work but I stopped by to pickup a shirt I needed. There he was passed out, and drug paraphernalia in his nightstand. I’m in so much pain I can’t eat barely anything and feel like my chest is caving in all the time, all i do is cry because I believed the lies, again. I know I need to file for divorce now. It just is such a painful choice. But I have no future with an addict. No one does.

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  22. Please take it from me. I tried everything..I believed all his lies, I even went with him to his employer when he said he wanted help, only to find out he used again that same day. He went to one meeting and decided it wasnt for him. My husband is 49 and told me he had been using since he was 17, but yet in the end he blamed me for his addiction. He would stay out 3 nights out the week, go to work high if at all. I went through this roller coaster for almost four years and each episode got worst. Its really hard , when I put him out for good and found out he had moved in with another woman my chest felt like an elephant was lying on it but I know I made the best choice for my life. Im 38 and still have alot of living to do. I wasted alot of time and energy on a diseased person who doesnt want help. How will make it. Just one day at a time..

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  23. I’ve told him to go into rehab or I’m filing for divorce. I sadly know he will not, but either way I will have my answer.

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    • If he goes to rehab he must go on his own terms. Doing it to save a marriage is an ultimatum and since it would not be his choice, he would likely blame you if and when he went back to using. Do not waste your life on this man, please. If he doesn’t want help, you cannot save him. I wish you all the best.

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  24. Ive studied addiction in and out. And its a huge risk for relapse and for me I couldnt live my life like that. The unknown and the probability of him relapsing for me wasnt worth it. Believe it or not there are normal guys who want normal things and can treat you accordingly. Im not telling you its easy, its the hardest thing I ever done but I know it was the right choice for me to let go. I was hurting either way but atleast the pain of letting go is only temporary. You can do it. Trust me , I never thought I could and actually stick with it but I had to cease all communication with him because the conversations were draining and useless.

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  25. We were supposed to be newlyweds. We were trying for a child when I first found out. We lived apart, I took the dogs. He had only one responsibility, to concentrate on himself. We had to get out of one lease and were about to enter into another. He lied about so many things. Even ridiculous things. I’m 28. I thought he was my soulmate. That he would protect me. We had a huge wedding. It only took 6 months to find out I’d married a lying stranger, and two more months to realize he was an addict. We said our marriage would be for life. But now, 8 months…

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  26. I know the pain is great and the disappointment unbearable but you will survive. Take time to consider everything, research addiction and educate yourself on it …Decide the type of life you want to live……

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  27. He is so high functioning, and works with his mother so she covers for him constantly. No one believes or wants to see the truth. Even if we cannot stay together, I don’t want him to die! I don’t understand why all his friends and family take his word that he is fine, of course an addict will say he is fine! He wants to keep using. He wants to save face and appear perfect, that I am the one blowing this out of proportion. The man makes 6 figures and doesn’t have a dime to his name and lives with mom and dad and skipped two days of work last week alone to do cocaine, while telling his wife elaborate stories of being at work. But still no one believes or will help me.

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  28. Trust me my soon to be ex husband has convinced everyone that it was the stress of being married to me that caused him to use and that since he has this new great relationship ,he doesnt miss work anymore and he doesnt use because he is so happy. And I think his family actually believes him . But I dont care because he and I know the truth.He has convinced everyone that I blew the whole thing outta porpotion. The truth always gets revealed but its no longer my problem. He has been gone for 8 weeks and I have not seen him and only talk to him a few times but I still wake up every morning thinking about him and our failed marriage but I have to remind myself that God has a better plan for me and my life. And Im sure he isnt waking up thinking about me. He made his choice and it was the drugs !! You can do this, you are so young, Please dont waste your life and your time… YOU CAN DO IT… Are you getting out of the house at all?

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  29. I’ve been living with my parents for past month, ever since I learned of this the first “round”. I have two puppies and that is about all I can bring myself to take care of. I had, during the past month, landed a (not so great) job which starts next week. I have no idea how I will function going back to work at time like this. I am looking into a new counselor and will attend my first alanon meeting Tuesday. I’m so depressed. My husband knew that my two last relationships didn’t work out for the reasons of 1. Drugs and 2. Lying. And here I am married to both. I can’t hardly eat but am sleeping ok. Crying constantly. Haven’t spoken to husband since Thursday, its taking all my willpower not to call.

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  30. Update:

    He said no to rehab, and after I confronted him with charges on cc admit to getting handjobs at massage parlors. I informed him it was over, filled him in on what will be happening next to begin divorce process. Thank you so much for your help and support. I am sad but glad I will no longer be linked to such a person. I have my two puppies so they will keep me happy for years to come.

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  31. Thank you. Moving out has been rough, and I’m still unable to stomach food. He left his wedding band out for me to see when I came for my things. Ran off when we arrived to take things. Can’t believe how completely false my opinion and thoughts of who he was were. And really he is a criminal on two counts- cocaine and paid for sexual favors. Disgusting. Makes me so sad.

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    • Sometimes we fall in love with an illusion. You only saw the side he wanted you to see. Sadly, as in my own case, the man I loved really did not exist, except in my mind. If you cannot trust him, or love him, you should let him go and find a better life for yourself. Cocaine makes people selfish and small, and takes away part of what makes them human because they have no empathy or compassion. It is terribly sad. For everyone involved. ((HUGS))

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  32. Thank you for that reply. Everything you said I one hundred percent agree with and that helps me understand. The lack of compassion I see in him is what hurts the most, and not being accountable for any of his horrendous (and illegal) actions. I suppose it is the drugs. It hurts that the family has chosen to continue to enable rather than face the issues at hand, but they will all see the truth eventually. He will not quit once divorced and free of me as he so cruelly implied… I fear very much that his story will not end well. Because there is no one else strong enough to even attempt to try and help in his life, when and if he was ever ready to get it. I am just concentrating on trying to eat and make healthy choices. I know it will be a struggle as I have spoken to this man every day for years. But he is not a man deserving of my love or my time anymore.

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  33. Its true that cocaine makes them very selfish. I would have never thought my soon to be ex husband would have been able to do the things he did to me. He hasn’t given me a dime since he left. All he thinks about is hisself his needs and his desires. What I will tell you is today was the first day I woke up without the aching pain in my chest and the overwhelming sadness… You will get past this .. Trust me, I never thought I would get to this point but Im here …

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  34. Can I ask, are you currently going through the divorce process? And if so, how did you start? I am considering mediation (but that was before I knew he cheated) and have a meeting with a family law attorney tomorrow. I just don’t trust mediation will work now that I’m beginning to fully grasp effects of cocaine. Mediation requires some empathy and compromise. If he’s high he won’t have that and if he hasn’t used in few days his anger will be too erratic. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. So I’m wondering if having attorneys figure out divorce ( we own nothing together so relatively easy divorce) would be best. Thoughts?

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  35. My soon to be ex is the one that filed, Once I kicked him out and he moved in with the other chic he filed immediately (which I didnt know because he was still callin and beggin). But if there are no kids or assets it should be easy but I would go talk to an attorney (they usually have a free consultation). When I tell you I never would have thought in a million years that this man would have done the things he has done to me and my family.His own dad said he doesnt recognize him or his actions… but its his choices. Im moving forward…

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    • Thank you for all your input. I know you are going to do fine. Just keep your chin up and let us know how you are doing. 🙂

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  36. Ok. Yea my free consult is tomorrow… I haven’t heard from him at all but he is way to lazy to file himself so it will def be up to me. We have a small amount of debt from the big wedding but otherwise nothing joint n no kids so I’m hoping this moves fast once filed.

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  37. Had two consultations. One went very well so I think I have my attorney. I also spoke to my husband and although the conversation didn’t go great, he did agree he was responsible for about 70 percent of debt. And he agreed to continue to pay his responsibilities throughout the divorce process. Hopefully this is the truth. He tried to give me a few “digs” which of course hurt. But I’m learning they are just attempts to blame me (anyone besides himself) for drug use because he is unable to take any accountability. He actually said I isolated him- we were living with his entire family! So his digs didn’t even really make sense. We were somewhat isolated from his friends, but that was something I was constantly asking him to help fix and mend, and I even tried a few times myself but he always refused. I wonder if we were really isolated because they knew what he was doing. I’ll probably never know.

    My question to you guys is, do I tell his friends (it’s possible he has already started blaming me for this divorce to them and withholding the real reasons, drugs and cheating) so that they can possibly help him? I know our marriage is over, and his family is aware of drugs(although have chosen not to act) andi do know once I’m out of the picture and he doesn’t have me to blame someone might finally see that there is a really big problem. Or do I just move on and leave it alone? I’m not sure if the family chose not to act what the friends could do anyways.

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  38. I would move on and leave it alone. Its not your problem, you dont need the added stress and aggeravation. They will see in due time.

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    • Im doing much better. It gets easier everyday. I just had to realize it wasnt meant to be and all the drama that the addiction brings wasnt worth it. Its a whole world out here to live..You can do this. Are you going out at all?

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      • I’m glad to hear it gets better. It’s so difficult to realize that it wasn’t meant to be, devastating to know that he chose to escape reality than have a family. I’ve yet to really express any anger about the situation, I am just depressed and sad. He convinced me for so long and made me feel guilty for so long, it’s hard to come out of that now that I know the truth. It’s been hard to leave home at all. Every time I do, it’s like I’m counting down to when I’ll be home again. But I’m trying. I’m doing dinner with my best friend tonight. I don’t have many friends which is the other hard part, my husband was my confidant and so I feel I’ve almost lost two people. I told him everything. He was my sounding board and whose opinion I valued most.

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  39. I know how you feel. It was the same for me, I would have to force myself to get dressed and go. It does take time though..When u make plans and think you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone and then its just over!!! But time is precious..Life is meant to be enjoyable. You have to focus on the facts and not the dream.

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  40. What has been most difficult is I feel when people decide to get divorce it’s because they want out, to be single and free. I wanted to be this mans wife and grow old with him ( the him he let me see) but he is not the person I thought he was. The drugs and cheating dictated this divorce. This is not what I wanted but here I am and am powerless to do anything but leave.

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    • I have read all these stories and it is beyond helpful and compforting to know that I am not alone and UNFORTUNATELY so many others are going through the same exact thing!! It makes me feel more normal knowing there is not something wrong with me for what I have been dealing with! It’s a definite process and being there for each other /hearing each others stories can only be helpful to the extremly difficult but completely pssible and empowering mending process !!

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  41. My depression is hitting some bad lows. I did reach out to my husbands best friend, who understands addiction. I’m glad he will have someone “looking out” for him since I will no longer be there. I tried reaching out to his parents one last time as well. That went nowhere. It’s been a week since I have had any communication with my husband. All I want to do is call him. I cry day and night. I’m looking into a psychiatrist but there’s few weeks wait til I can be seen. I am sinking.

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  42. Have you tried praying? it really helped me. But you gotta take the focus off of him and stop worrying about him, you gotta get YOU together>>

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  43. Occasionally I will try praying. I’m hoping once I file ( early this week) things will improve more. Limbo is hard place to be for me. It kills me that we won’t even probably have a conversation before that happens. You are with someone for years and then nothingness.

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  44. I know. But you have to remember your actions are the only ones you can control. It soounds simple but once you truly grasp that it will be easier. Also the prayer of Serenity-accepting things we can not change.. You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it…Be encouraged knowing that this too shall pass..

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  45. This will be my last entry. Thank you so much for your support. My divorce was final tdy, I hadnt seen him since he left so I wasnt sure how I would feel. But amazingly enough I felt nothing. I looked at him and actually felt sorry for him… My fresh start begins tdy..

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  46. Wishing you the best! My husband was served with papers yesterday so the journey has really begun now for me. I hope one day I will be able to feel nothing, it seems these days I just feel everything.

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  47. I met my ex-fiance last October…there was no instant attraction-we just exchanged phone numbers for the sake of getting being friends and walking our dogs together…but the first conversation lasted hours and every preceding day from that point onwards-we spoke for hours on end, and by the end of November-admitted to each other that we had fallen in love with each other. We spoke about getting married and settling down. I am 39 (as of Aug.1)-he is 46 (as of Aug. 15). By February we were engaged. He confessed to me that he had used heroine about 10 years ago-but that his 3 month jail stint as a result had taught him a life-lesson-and that it was never a problem prior to that and had never been a problem since-I justified it-told him that I was shocked-just never would guess that he would ever have used-never saw it in him-did not fit the profile (I was so blind and dumb in thinking this-I mean-my own sister was a heroin addict-I had done drugs myself in my early twenties-had been around addicts). Somehow-he just did not fit the profile-was so well-groomed-responsible-loved his work-worked a lot-was very gentlemanly and enthusiastic in starting a life with me and a family. I figured, so many of us make mistakes in life or have something in our pasts that we are not proud of-I believed him when he said he had never used again. I knew he was on prescription drugs for his back pain that he had mentioned was a result of a car accident over ten year ago, and I was okay with that-as long as I told him-it was not becoming a problem for him-I empathized with his problem and justified the prescription drug use even though he was getting it from an outside source rather than from an MD.

    As February of this year-we were engaged to be married-but he postponed it a month prior to the May 5th wedding date-stating that he could not give me a exact reason why, except to state that he just felt like he was not ready-he needed more time…of course I was devastated-did not understand the sudden postponement in the wedding plans…but when he said too-that he just wanted us to elope-he wanted something really low-key-whereby we could spend the money on traveling-I again-justified the event-situation by thinking that he had a point-because I too-had spoken of wanting a low-key wedding with just the two of us-no stress or financial burden in that realm-instead-money well spent on travel or other exciting things that we had spoken about-such as starting a business together or buying a home together-etc. We were in California at the time.

    Forward two weeks-he told me he was asked to return to work by the company that he worked for in his home state of Pennsylvania-building bridges-that it was a good job-great pay-and an opportunity for us to build the life and start that family that we had spoken of. He told me he did want to marry me-but wanted me to come to PA with him-to get settled down in PA-and then to set another low-key wedding date for the fall, as we had spoken about and eventually decided upon; so…May 2nd-we arrived in PA

    We had been trying for a baby over the course of the past three months already-he had bragged about it with his family and friends-saying how he was so in love with me and ready to start a family. In July-we finally did it-I found out I was four weeks pregnant-on July 17 to be exact. I was so excited-to a photo of the pregnancy test with the big words PREGNANT spelled out on it, and woke him up straight after testing-at one in the morning. We were finally going to be having a family like we had spoken about.

    I still had not found work in PA-came out with him without a job lined up…but we had discussed prior-that if I was to fall pregnant and need to take off work for the pregnancy or time to focus on some schooling too on the side-that he would not mind this-he wanted me to just be happy and healthy.

    Forward wind to August 5th- the last week of July-prior to the first week of August-the text messages from him were so loving. We made a point of texting each other every day since the day we had first starting hanging out-on October 1st of last year…and that last week of July-the texts were no different than any of the other texts preceding that week-with him proclaiming how much “in love” he was with me-how much joy I brought to his life-that he was so in love with me and wanted me forever. Well…on August 5th which was a Monday…a small dispute over my birthday weekend that we had planned for two weeks in advance-which had been at the last minute interrupted by him wanting to follow through with his mother’s requests to meet up with extended family-even though this extended family through marriage was family that lived just down the road from his mom…me pregnant-and him suddenly demanding that our plans change in order to spend and hour to be respectful towards his mom’s wishes…had turned from a dispute to him then abruptly suddenly telling me that he was NOT “in love” with me any more. I was shocked-so taken back-responded with a sudden outburst of tears…why?…what do you mean?…when did you know this?…did you know this before we created the baby?…to which his response was “yes”…he did know this before creating the baby…but he went through with creating the baby for the sake of “trying to make things work”….to which I replied…none of this makes any sense…why would anyone deliberately go out of their way to create a child with someone knowing they are not “in love” with that person?….and why?…why would you go from last week (the last week in July), telling me how much “in love with me you were and how you wanted me forever, to this week-this precise day of August 5th-telling me you were not in love with me any more?…I mean…that is extreme…who falls out of love that quickly-quite literally overnight?…not to mention, he had missed work that day, and when asked why…he told me he was just not feeling well. Well…after telling me he was not in love, he said he would be back in a little bit-which always meant to me-in about an hours time. When four to five hours passed-I knew something was wrong…he never returned home that day-left the apartment at 12:30 in the afternoon and just never came home that night-did not respond to my text or calls..got a text from him at 2 in the morning telling me simply, that he was safe and would be home in the morning-that was it. Morning came-he never came home-my anguish and despair turned to confusion and anger. I took off to his mom’s place-she was leaving for California that day-asked her if I could spend a few days at her place to give us some space-she was okay with that-knew about him having not returned home.

    Forward wind…that following weekend-he came down to his moms-admitted to using cocaine that night and having used it about six times over the course of the year. Well…I knew I could safely double that about, because a drug addict will always minimize their usage. He admitted his cocaine use-it was out on the table-no more a big dark secret. I was completely blown away-schocked-bewildered as to what I had just learned-did not see it in him…panic set in. I said to him-“I am pregnant-without a job yet, and you are telling me you are a cocaine user and decide to just take off and spend that night out binging on cocaine?”….”what am I do do-how am I to cope with this, I asked him?” I told him that he would need to at least show me some effort that he would go and get some sort of help-if not checking himself into rehab-which I told him he desperately needed, well then, to at least show me that he would be willing to go to an AA or Alanon meeting or just something-I needed to see him put some effort forth into wanting to come clean and get the help he needed, if he wanted to make things work for me and our child…that I needed that peace of mind-to see his willingness in wanting to help himself for the sake of himself and his future wife and child.

    Anyhow…the weeks following…every week seemed to get worse-more coldness and distance from him…seeing a very different side to him that was not the man I fell in love with-him threatening me that if I did not have an abortion-that he would never be with me…that I was not to have the baby just because I would think that this would meke him stay with me…to saying things like: “I can’t really afford you and the baby”…to re-iterating, “I am not in love with you”. The emotional abuse got worse with each passing week. While…I had an abortion on September eth (please…for those of you reading my post-this is controversial for many people-please don’t judge me over this…please just listen and try to understand). When I was sitting in the abortion waiting room-I had asked for the ultrasound picture-I was exactly at 12 weeks-could see the baby-the head-the arms the legs…I cried…walked out of the clinic with Rog following me behind. I told him that I did not think that i could go through with it or not…trying to look for any signs in his face that he was having the same doubts. He said to me: “what good will postponing the abortion one more week do?…the baby will just be bigger,he said. ” I then asked me: “Do you not want this baby?”…to which he did not reply. I walked back in the clinic and went through with a decision I will never live down-the worst decision and pain I have ever gone through in my life…no sedation..could feel the immense cramping…three hugs tugs with a loud suctioning noise as the life-a life, was being suctioned out of me. The hormonal shift-was something I cannot explain and will never forget. I prayed to God on the table to please forgive me…cried tears that just could not be held back-they just poured from me-my body shaking-my mind in another far away place-inconceivable grief-horrific shock and pain…unbelievable…how did everything Rog and I shared-all the love that was there just a very short while ago-how did it all disappear overnight?…from one extreme to another? The only answer that kept coming to mind was, DRUGS. The drug addict will always choose their drug over anything or anyone else-no mater what the cost.

    Well…even after the abortion…I still showed him love and affection-I still tried to help him-tried to understand him…to no avail…he just grew more distant and cold with each passing day…told me eventually-after physically pushing me away when I tried to hold him…told me to move on…to stop man-handling him-told me I was too clingy…absolutely heart-braking…nothing like loosing a man you are in love with to drugs, overnight…and then-worse yet-loosing a 12 week pregnancy-a child, not to natural causes…but as a result of a sacrifice made over drugs…not knowing how I could get through the pregnancy on my own-no family to support me or friends close by -no job…just no support mechanisms…the plan was to have this wonderful life that Rog and I had spoken of and raise a child together-I was so excited for this…to have it all end up in coldness, despair…and a double loss-both Rog and the baby. The pain is unbelievable.

    The weeks preceding the abortion…his continuing hot and cold demeanor with his worsening symptoms…happy and bouncy one minute…sleeping excessively the next-weight loss-not eating…constricted eye pupils…then happy and energetic again. My take was that he was not only doing Rx drugs and cocaine…but that he was doing heroine as well…and he admitted to shooting up these drugs as well…said he would buy clean syringes from the store; and apparently from his cousin…I ended up learning that he had been a drug user over the course of the past 15 years…what a revelation…this-his cocaine use-everything…he had had me so fooled-so blind-sided…just did not see all of this in him…did not see this coming at all-it all unfolded so quickly overnight with such devastatingly painful consequences.

    Where I am at right now. He took off this last weekend to come down to his mom’s house two hours south of where we were staying. He was very cruel and disrespectful to me on Saturday-just not the Rog I fell in love with. I suspected when he left on Saturday, that it was not to just go and see his mom, but to spend time with his druggie friends and hook up. I packed everything up that Saturday night and Sunday-loaded my car up-knowing that Rog would only be home on the Monday evening. I took the invitation that Roger’s cousin and his cousins wife and offered me-in coming to spend time with them-I took them up on their offer, so that I could get away and move on as he had told me to. His cousin and his cousin’s wife are the black sheep of the family, because supposedly they wanted and intervention for Rog…but Roger’s mom and aunt believe that tough love and intervention is harsh and were not for it….thought that the cousin and his wife were being cruel to even suggest a tough love approach and intervention.

    Anyhow Rog did try to text me on the Sunday night-probably felt a little bad for his cruel behavior on the Saturday. I did not respond to his text. I was supposed to stop by at his mom’s Monday morning-but did not-and he called me, wondering why I had not stopped by-telling me he would see me that Monday evening (which was this past Monday). I did not respond to his call or via text. His last voice message was Monday night which he said: “My goodness…this is not how I want to say goodbye…I don’t know where you are at-whether you are on the road-traveling across country or staying somewhere here in PA…you can call me and let me know…hope to hear from you.” Well…I did not respond and have not since…I mean…what do I have left to say to him…yes…I am still in love with him?…you don’t just fall out of love with someone overnight (unless may you are on drugs?). I mean…what is he thinking?…that I should be ready to just be friends with him…is this his last ditch effort to try to hold onto me somehow through friendship?….or is he perhaps feeling some sort of guilt that maybe if he texts me which he did tonight stating that he hoped I was settled in wherever I am-that he would not ask where that was(even thought he knows I am at his cousins-he aunt has told him), and that he is hoping I am safe…that maybe somehow, through this text that he sent to me earlier tonight-that just maybe, I would respond thinking he was being kind in caring enough about me through his concern for my safety? CRAZY…confusing. I did not respond to his text…will not…he needs to sit and stew and hopefully realize all the pain and agony he has caused-unbelievable.

    So…I am trying to remain strong…it is so hard…some days i don’t feel like I will make it…other days-i scrape by-all while having only a few hundred dollars to my name-staying with his cousins-whom I barely know-with no other support mechanisms nearby, and no job as of yet. I just pray to God that I will get through this pain and grief and loss; I just pray to God for a miracle in Roger’s life-for the professional help that he so desperately needs-for a conversion or transformation.

    Thank you for listening and for all the support.

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    • Try to remain strong and do not waiver. Do not respond to him. It is opening the door to more deception and you have been lied to enough. I am so sorry for the loss of your dreams and the future you had planned. Don’t blame yourself for anything… we only do the best we know how at the time. Now you know him, his addiction and the way it changes a person. I remember praying for my ex to get help, get better, etc… and now that we are not together I still hope he somehow finds peace but it is not my PROBLEM now. Don’t make this your problem… You have to take care of YOU and concentrate on re-building your life. I wish you the best of luck!

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  48. Thank you for your kind response…I am remaining strong-in a hotel room-trying to climb out of all the turmoil his thrown me into-after being thrown under the bus…each day presents itself with a different challenge, but I know that with God’s help I will get to a place of peace-where I need to be. Thank you again for your words of encouragement…so appreciated. Take care; God bless.

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    • Your journey has got me in tears, please please keep on going lovely , you deserve so much better. I wish you all the luck in the world, god bless you. I really do feel for you xxx

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  49. Hi i have read these stories and they are like my own i have been with my husband for 18yrs married for 13. We have 2 young children and my life has just been turned upside down, 2 weeks ago i found out my husband had been using cocaine he is in debt that i had no idea of. He walked out on us as he couldnt pay his dealer the money he owed him he basically ran away. I have since paid his dealer so he is back in the area, he hasnt seen his children and they are asking questions i dont know how to answer. I have found out he has been using for about 5yrs how did i not know i feel so stupid he is or was my life i still love him so much i am having a hard time dealing with this. I am scared my home will get taken away because of his debts his family and mine dont know why any of this is happening, i feel like my life has ended i dont know how i am going to cope i am trying to stay strong for my children but its hard when all i want to do is cry. I miss the man i married so much i feel like he has died.

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    • I am sorry to hear about your situation. I advise you to tell your children as much as possible, and to keep it age appropriate. As tempting as it may be, resist in telling them what a piece of sh*t their father has become and tell them he is sick, or having personal issues. Don’t defend him, however. This will probably affect his relationships with his children. Try as hard as you can to encourage communication. If something goes wrong later it will not be your fault and your kids will not blame you. I know how hard it is to put your feelings of love aside, but you have to survive at this point. You have to realize and accept that he is not putting YOU first, so you should not put HIM first. I’m sure you know that your children’s future should be your top priority. Five years of using is a long time. He is not going to quit… and if he does there is a good chance of relapse. Take everything he says with a grain of salt and don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. He has taken advantage of your trust for too long. Figure out how you are going to keep your home or find a home WITHOUT him in it, DO NOT PAY HIS DEBTS, and limit your communication with him. Do not talk to him about anything other than helping YOU help his children. Most addicts do not care about anything but their drug of choice so don’t be shocked that his recovery only matters to you… I wish you the best. Hold on to hope and be strong for your children. You are not alone!

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      • Thank you for your response trying my best to stay strong, he has started to phone his children and i have told them he is working away . They are only 4yrs old so i think for now that is all they need to know and i know that everything is going to be ok for the 3 of us eventually thank you once again take care.

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  50. This is all new to me. I am 31 and married. My husband started a new job about 8 months ago and for the past 5 months he has been staying out all night. Staying out until like 7 in the morning. He is in the restaurant business so he works late hours, but 7 in the morning is extreme. Everytime I confront him he would come up with some crazy excuse. Over the course of this time I would always smell alcohol on him. So basically we have been fighting over this for months. About 2 days ago I noticed we had money missing from the bank account. I snooped through his wallet and found a little Baggie of cocaine. He says he has only been doing it when he is tired and uses it to help cope since he works up to 80 hrs a week. I guess my question is, should I kick him out?? He says he is not addicted. My family says I need to kick him out. It’s hard for me because I love this man but I don’t know if he is lying to me. He has been lying so much lately, I don’t know what to think. Im so confused and lost. I’ve asked him for months now if he has a drug problem and he denied it. I had to find out the truth by snooping. That makes me think, what else is he lying about!!

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    • Do you have children? My advice would be the same if you did, but it is harder when kids are involved. He may be lying about a lot of things or just his addiction. Either way he needs to earn your trust back or your doubt will keep you from loving him like you once did. You don’t deserve to live your life looking through his wallet. Kick him out. This will let him know you will not tolerate this and if he gets help, then you can start to repair your relationship if you still want to. Do not let him apologize and then do it again… not more than once. This turns into a cycle of highs and lows for you and you will be suspicious of everything he does. It was the biggest mistake I made and I suffer because of it still. If you do have kids, don’t defend him but don’t put him down either… Keep the information you give them age appropriate and do not discuss his problem with drugs unless they are older… I hope it works out for you. Let me know you are doing…

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      • Thank you so much for your input. We do have kids and they are pretty young. I have given him an Ultimatum. If he comes home late or smells of alcohol one more time or I find drugs or anything out of the ordinary, I will kick him out and go see a divorce attorney. I told his mom and dad and siblings everything thAt is going on and it is all out in the open. I also went and opened a bank account in my nAme only with money my mom gave me to protect me incase he does this again. I am prepared for the worst. I do know the chances of him doing this again are very high. I am a stay at home mom and rely only in his income. U am in a very tough position. He seems extremely remorseful and is very adamant that he won’t do this again and will get help. Only time will tell. I know he’s an addict and will probably do and say anything to keep his habit going.

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    • Kara, it sounds like you have made all the right moves for someone in your position. I know it is not easy to just leave with small children. But having a back up plan and letting him know where he stands is the best way to handle the situation in my opinion. Hug your little ones close and keep them as far away from conflict as possible. Let me hear from you! Good job and hang in there!

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  51. When I met my husband, I fell in love with him because I felt so safe around him. He was so different from other men. He would cook for me, take care of me when I was sick, surprise me with sweet things. I knew he didn’t have an easy life. He moved to another country with his mom (she divorced his alcoholic dad and he passed away shortly afterwards) when he was a teenager. They had to live in a bad neighbourhood because they didn’t have a lot of money. We had a long distance relationship since I lived in another country but decided to move for him when we got engaged. I thought I was so lucky. I was dating another guy when we met but felt so much better around him. He’s a successful, very intelligent man. I got a good job pretty quickly and we were happy for a while, then he started dissapearing for a night every few weeks. That’s how my anxiety issues started. I was a pretty confident girl, knowing I’m intelligent and good looking, I was close to leaving him many times. After about a year of this nightmare, we moved to a nice place and it stopped. For almost 6 years. In those 6 years, he was an amazing husband, always supporting me. But the anxiety his behavior started never abandoned me, I got addicted to worrying and in those 6 years I suffered a mental breakdown (as a result of work stress). I started drinking to be able to fall asleep. Then I got professional help, went on anti-anxiety medication for about a year and took therapy which really helped me not only with anxiety but also with my overall confidence, the way I think and see things. He stood by me through all this, through my panic attacks and sleepless nights, held my hand, took my anywhere I wanted, was always there for me. I had to battle myself, my suicidal thoughts and my own demons. That was 2 years ago and I became a more confident woman. I started teaching him about the power of positive thinking and I did many things to boost his ego that worked for me. He got an even better job. Things were going so well, although I can’t say that a worry wouldn’t enter my mind every now and then. Last year I opened my own business, which is taking off pretty well. And just yesterday I learned he had a relapse and used 3 times in a month. He’s willing to get tested regularly, he thinks therapy won’t help because it’s him who has to do the job, but he said he’s willing to do it. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a pretty good shape financially, I have a condo & some money back in my home country – but the thought of coming back is painful to my pride. I don’t have really close friends here, since it’s always been just him and work here. I know that in those 6 years he’s gotten used to a good standard of living and I think he loves me – he helped me through so much – and I don’t know if I should give him a chance. I think it comes to the feeling that if I leave him, it will be the end of his life. He even said that I’m becoming successful and how is he supposed to feel with that? I don’t understand how he can be so self-conscious, knowing the price of that so-called ‘success’. And now I’m not able to do any work and feel my life is again at crossroads. Just reading your blog makes me so scared of all this – I’ve never really read about cocaine. I’m still young and want to have a baby, but reading about this addiction makes me think I could never have a baby with him. On top of all this, I love his mom like my own and I’m scared it’ll kill her if she ever finds out. My family is back in my home country. My mom loves my husband. I’m so happy for you and that you moved on and I would appreciate any piece of advice you may have…

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    • First of all, congratulations on the business! I’m sorry you are going through this. From what you say, I think your husband is going to NEED some counseling and you are going to have to base your decisions on the future around his progress. He’s right in that he is the one who must do the work, but as your probably know, some therapy or even regular meetings and a sponsor will give him to tools to do the work. Remind him that we cannot build a house without a hammer, and some kind outside support is that hammer. Do not let him guilt you into staying with him or feel like you do not deserve success in life. If you want to stay that is up to you… if he is using I would not advise it. Be thankful you are not trapped with him and if you need to, you can take care of yourself. Starting over is preferable to having to live with an addict. I have done both and living with doubt is hell. Work is going to be something that you can use to distract yourself from this situation, at least temporarily. You will need to emotionally step back and look at this as an opportunity to recover yourself … until you see where he is in his recovery. It isn’t going to happen overnight and you will have to watch his behavior. It isn’t easy to be unsure of your future but if you are stressed out about him disappearing, it suggest to me that there is a trust issue. Trust is one of those things in a relationship we cannot manufacture. If trust is lost, and it can quickly be lost, it can take a LONG time to rebuild. Only you know if you truly trust him and if you have doubts, even if he is clean, that will be something you have to work on. Whether you want to do all that work is up to you. If he doesn’t get help immediately and stay clean, I think it is a good indicator of future behavior. You don’t want to bring a baby into this world with a father who neither of you can depend on. I know it is hard to think that this could come between you, but he seems to have a compulsion to use and sadly, it does start to become the most important thing in the world to an addict. Let him decide what is more important to him and work on that, but in in the meantime you look out for YOU. Don’t stop loving his mom. She didn’t do this and she may need your comfort too. At some point she is going to know something is wrong. If you feel like you have to wait until then to spare her feelings, tell her at a better time. Good luck… and let me know how you are doing.

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  52. Thank you so much for a quick reply. Everything you wrote is so right and helpful. Thank you for every kind word. I went to my doctor today and she was very sweet. I got some sleeping pills and small dose of cipralex although I know it’s not anxiety – me imagining things – but a real situation. I just want to get all the help I need. I called my ex-therapist to schedule an appointment. I don’t want to be specific about his problem with doctors though, don’t want to get him in trouble.

    The problem with my business is that I don’t think I will be able to continue without his financial help. We would always split the bills. I can’t afford a nice place like we have right now and the matter of the business I do requires that. I do business from home. I’ve worked for 3 years on the side just establishing the business & network, getting my name out, otherwise I would be making very little money now. Some months I make more than in my past full-time job, but not enough for a nice place, a car, food & business expenses. He helps me a lot with my business too, he’s very tech-savvy, he can fix everything etc.

    Two days ago when he told me, he said he slipped. He offered check-ups, I didn’t say anything. He offered other things, I didn’t say anything. I was able to get to sleep but woke up after 3 hours. Then yesterday I read online about cocaine, I just freaked out and saw him in a new light, like he’s not the person I thought he was. It’s hard for me to look at him and not visualize him doing it. After I wrote on your page, he came back home and offered other things. That he can do therapy, that I can track where he is with some gps device. I didn’t say anything to that. We talked a lot, I asked him questions, I said I’ve read there’s very little probability that he will ever be free of it. He said we should go to a doctor and ask the doctor about that.

    He said he can see it’s over, that I look at him differently. Then I really started crying, it hit me it’s over. I was shaking. He looked very serious and calm. He said that he’s done me enough harm. That he will be ok, he’s just worried about me. He said I look at him like he’s a junkie and he’s not. I kept apologizing for the fact he looks like that to me. I made him believe I have suicidal thoughts (I don’t, just passive thoughts) and he really got scared. He just kept repeating he’s worried about me, that he can see it’s over and that he’s sorry. He stayed in my bed that night, I was really shaking and I didn’t sleep at all. Everything I’ll have to do – divorce, selling our place, telling my closest family – kept rushing through my mind and seemed unbearable. He was trying to tell me to focus on my breathing and help me to fall asleep. Finally I just calmed down, but still didn’t fell asleep. It helped a little, but I felt like it was a different person touching me. I find it hard to look at him.

    In the morning, when he dropped me at the doctor’s, he asked me to call afterwards so he knows I’m ok and not to do anything stupid.

    I don’t know if I should give him a chance or should I just tell my family and start the divorce…

    Thank you so much for your kindness and God bless.

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    • There is no way to look at him the same. This does not have to be the complete end but you have to mentally prepare for it, just in case. He may get better. My ex did, finally, after our divorce. But give it time. Your relationship is forever changed but you will grieve and let that go. Tell him your fears about money — maybe he will offer to leave and you two can arrange a separation if you don’t want to stay in the home with him. You can give him a chance but do not put your life on hold, and do not take anything for granted. Do not assume that he will be cured because his intentions are good. He is probably very sorry and it is obvious he loves you. I cannot promise you it will be okay… addiction is destructive. But YOU will be okay. I can tell you are strong woman. Don’t put your fear of loneliness above your self-preservation. Remember too, that you are not alone. You will get through this. If you need to talk to your family or a trusted friend, do it. Tell your therapist the TRUTH… they will not call the police or anything. It is confidential and you need to be honest. You need help too. That’s what they are there for. Thank you for writing. I hope I helped. God bless you too…

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  53. Ok, I will tell everything to the therapist. I’m not sure if I could ever love him again the same way. I feel very sorry about his life circumstances, I guess I feel I owe him for everything he did for me. I don’t want to leave, but I’m almost convinced I should. I fear loneliness and that I won’t be able to trust anyone ever again. Thank you for every piece of advice. I know you speak from experience and although it’s hard to hear some of those things, I know they’re true. I hope you are happy…

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  54. I am a widow to my husbands heroin addiction. Even though he is not physically dead I feel like a widow. Everynight I secretly grieve for the man he was before heroin. I grieve for the best friend I married, the man I love. I feel so much like a widow that after him leaving 6 years ago to be with his addiction I still can’t bring myself to divorce him. I can divorce the addict but I can’t divorce the husband I am grieving for. I bet that sounds so dumb. I grieve for the husband & father & friend he was before heroin. How do you divorce someone your heart breaks for? I still love the man before heroin & can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’m just not ready. I guess when I am it won’t feel so much like I’m divorcing a dead man.
    I would give almost anything to have my husband back, not the man he is now, the man before the drugs.

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    • I am so sorry for what you are going through. After 6 years, you owe yourself a new start and a better life. If he has made no effort to change, you must come to terms with it. You are right in that the man you knew does not exist in this world now. It is a death… and you will grieve and it will take time before you trust again, but you need closure. You only live once and you cannot spend the rest of your life looking in the rearview mirror. If he loves drugs more than he loves you, it should not be so hard to divorce him. The man you married has become the addict. There is no separating the two. At some point your memories may not seem so painful… but look forward. He has made his choice and you have to make the choice to move on. I know it’s heartbreaking… but you cannot move forward if you are stuck in the past. Take it one day at a time. Good luck!

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  55. I find myself coming back to your blog… It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve posted my last comment. I decided not to take ssri medication, I occassionally take half a sleeping pill. I’m focusing on establishing my situation financially and finding friends (for 6 years in this country I’ve always been focused mostly on work). I met an amazing, independent woman to share experiences with and go to the gym with 🙂

    My husband went to his first CA meeting 2 months ago and he seems to be getting into the community, going to meetings regularly, meeting with a sponsor and reading the AA book (so weird to see him read every day, he never liked reading!). He suggested I go to AA conference with him last weekend and I did. I was listening to those stories, crying. I can see a change in his behaviour. One day when I was in my angry mood, raising my voice and telling him he wrecked everything he just asked ‘how can I help you?’, which left me totally surprised.

    But this is their part of the story and their journey. I haven’t even touched my husband’s hand since all this happened and I’m scared that if I ever let him touch me again, my reaction will say it’s over and can never be repaired. At the same time, I’m very pessimistic, I think I’m just waiting for a relapse. Having read what other people went through, it’s hard to believe he’ll be sober permanently, even though he was sober for 6 years…

    Even though you don’t continue writing your blog, I’m really curious how you and your son are doing. I hope everything is fine. I wish you a beautiful day.

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    • We are doing well. I am working on a book that picks up where the blog left off… because it continues to be a part of my life. And caring for my son every day is exhausting sometimes. His health is about the same. Crohn’s disease is rough. My ex is in our life to a point, but we moved two counties away and he has no idea what our life is like now.

      I fell in love with a man who happens to be pretty well-known in our state. I shy away from any attention but I am doing a lot of volunteer work.

      A lot has happened, and I am beginning to think I need to make plans for my son (if not both of us) to get to Colorado or somewhere where cannabis is legal — it helps him eat and sleep; he doesn’t respond well to pharmaceuticals. But we take things one day at a time. When I start a new blog or finish my book and get it to a publisher, I will put an update here.

      Very good to hear from you and to know you are doing well. Sounds like your ex is taking the rehab seriously and that is good news. But keep your guard up. He could stay clean and sober but there is no predicting the future. Always go with your gut and you’ll be okay! ((HUGS))

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  56. Hello,

    Please advise me and excuse my grammatical mistakes, I am not a native English speaker.
    My one year fiancé is cocaine addict and enjoys alcohol as well, even if he doesn t admit it. He was using it for the last 8 years, every 2 months because a month is working offshore and he can t there. He ended up in hospital because of it in the past. His older brother died and best high school friend after a short while when my fiancé was young so maybe this pain lead him to this wrong choice.
    He confessed me all of this at the beginning of our relationship but he also told me he will quit cocaine because that was my condition to start our relationship. I believed him because i also used coke for a short while and i stopped when i realised it will take control over me. I had that strength and I was thinking he has it also because he was very in love with me to the point that he came to another continent (we are from different continents) following me to propose only 3 months after we ve met while with his ex they were for 3 years and he didn t want to marry her even if she wanted to marry him. The night we have met at my work in his country he gave me his number writing his name and the sentence ” the guy you will marry one day”.
    I accepted his proposal and we moved in, I have quit my job because he couldn t handle it, I was working as an exotic dancer and I understood it s not easy to deal with this kind of job. So I made sacrifices, left my country and family and quit my financial independence. Stupid choices you might say, but i wanted the best for us and because of his work and visa requirements it was easier for me to go to him than for him to come to my country.
    He went back to coke again, after some months of being clean and with no sign of cravings for the drug. At least I haven t seen one.
    The first 2 months he relapsed he lied to me about it, the 3rd month he admitted to me and his mother as well that he s back to it. We had no nice Christmas or New Years Eve, nor Valentine s day or our 1 year anniversary.
    Now his family knows the truth but he refuses to admit he is addicted to it and also any kind of professional help. He started doing it by himself in the house, not with his “friends” as before we met, hiding in the bathroom or when he was alone in the house. It ended up from one time a month, to 3 times and last month 4 times. I have to mention he has severe paranoid episodes while under influence, sexual disfunction even if the desire is there, very high heart rhythm, sweating. He is a wrack when he s high. When he s in the withdrawal period he s depressed, he has huge angry bursts toward me, with verbal abuse and accusations I provoke him to act this way. After crying together, begging, offering my suport in order to go and look for professional help and promises it won t happen again it did happen, only after 5 days I had my emotional crush that he witnessed it.
    So i left, came back home. I realised me loving him and be there for him it doesn t make any difference in changing his behaviour if he really doesn t want to quit and his love for me I started to feel it less and less. I am so hurt and traumatised, the man I love who normally is sweet and loving became another person because of the cocaine. Or maybe this is the real him? I don t know. He lied to me with the coke use and about his ex, she is also addicted, went to rehab and they started to be in contact until i found out and then he stopped.
    He wanted a baby, a puppy and to marry me while he was back to his coke. We had the puppy that unfortunately i had to leave behind to his mom and caused me another pain.
    I am very much in pain and don t know what to do. My heart wants to go back to him but my mind tells me to forget about it. I have lost trust, faith and respect for him but somehow I m still in love with him. I am aware of the risk of relapse and scared of it. He said only after I have left that he will start attend NA meetings or even a rehab but I m not sure if he will actually go. So I really don t know what to do now. Try hard to move on with my life which is not easy for now or give him another chance? I m 33 now and he s 28, I don t have much time to waste anymore and I m so afraid if I go back I will end up wasting my time but on the other hand I love him so much and I feel he is my soul mate. We were truly happy before he went back to coke and he was amazing to me.
    Thank you and sorry for the long message but I don t have with whom to talk about my pain. My family is very conservative about drugs and alcohol, they don t even want to hear me talking about him anymore and you all know it s not easy to talk to anybody about this sad subject such as drugs addiction. And also who didn t experience the damage of drugs in their personal life can t understand what s about and give proper advices.
    I just hate drugs.

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  57. Stay in touch with him and see how he is doing. If he goes to rehab and meetings, then you can discuss your relationship. You did the right thing by leaving. Take care of yourself and try to build a life for yourself without him. Time will tell you if he is worth sacrificing it all for a second time. If there is no trust, and you cannot believe what he tells you, you will have to move on. Good luck!

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    • Thank you very much for your answer. Time indeed will tell what to do. In the mean time i will try and take care of me and be less worried about him. I feel guilty for leaving him but if we would have to continue this way I would have lost my sanity. It s still hurting so much we had to end up this way and I don t know when this pain will go away.

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  58. Bless you, I know your pain Briseide really I do. My husband has had a crash he has been attending N/A meetings and is now looking for the 12 book to follow. I am off to my caravan in wales later on and his crash was Thursday. this week has been planned and my daughter is so looking forward to it. I don’t feel like going at all I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep. I have no choice but to get up and go, I worry what will he get up to when I am away but I know in my heart he will do what ever even if I am in the next room. I am trying so hard to carry on daily but inside I am so sad soooo so sad, just wanting my husband back to how it was. It gives me courage when I read other peoples stories and it keeps me going. I will try and get on the computer when I am down in wales as I feel this blog is all I have, you lovely people are the ones who really understand how heartbreaking this. I agree with the title cocaine widow, that is what I am I understand it a little better now all the emotions I am going through. God bless you all out there who are going through the same suffering. together we will one day stand tall. Time heals as they say. or do we always live with the thought of only if , I do not know anymore. My caravan is my little part of heaven and one of the places where we as a family had so many happy times. I don’t think this week ahead will be good, but maybe I will get my head together , that is my wish to forget about the pain in only for an hour. My love to you all and keep strong. cocaine widow I can not wait for your book. Bless you to my lovely xxxx

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  59. Bless you too. My fiancé came back from work yesterday. We had a FaceTime conversation in the afternoon where he told me he feels stronger regarding his addiction. But since last night when i sent him a message asking how his evening is going I have no answer yet. So I imagine the worse, that he is on a binge again. I am so worried, angry and sick of being worried about a liar, weak, cruel man that he is now. I feel like i have to cut off any communication with him, shut me down and force myself to move on. He doesn t deserve all these worries because he doesn t care about anything except his damn coke.

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  60. I have read all of your blog and i want to thank you. Reading what you have been trough gives me the strength to deal with my pain which is nothing compared to yours. You have my great respect and consideration for being such a strong, amazing, wise woman and mother. I wish you good luck and to feel happy again same as to Dylan.

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    • Sorry it took so long to reply. I hope you are doing well. Thank you so much for the kind words. I am not sure I deserve them. You will be fine… it takes time but you are strong and you will do it!

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  61. Welcome me to the club….
    Nothing worse then the emotional mainipulation and abuse…
    Drugs are the demons that destroyed my marriage…
    I relate…

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  62. Once again i am back reading peoples stories i first posted on here in october last year about my husband and his 5 year habbit. I have just found out he is using again and he has done it when he was looking after our small children, i told him he would loose his children if he used again but this threat hasnt worked. I dont know what to do any more i feel like i was just starting to build a life for me and my children and my children had got used to just seeing him 2 or 3 times a week. Why do i feel like i am the one that has ruined there lives when he is the one that has done that. How can he do this to them he is there daddy and they should mean eveything to him but to him cocaine comes first. I feel so lost and alone i dont know what to do i am so tired of all of this and his lies. How can i let him see them again when he has used while he was looking after them? I never thought my life would end up like this i thought we would be together forever i never thought i would loose him to drugs ??

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    • Unfortunately, you cannot let him keep those children in that condition. If CPS were to become involved, they would certainly stop his visitation at once. Don’t let something he is doing ruin your new life… continue on without him. The hard part is over. This is the time where you have to accept that it will not change, and that is why you are not together. You made the right choice in leaving. It isn’t your fault that things changed. How would your children’s lives be if you hadn’t left? Things would still be different but worse. I’m sorry that you lost him to drugs. That was his choice. In time, it won’t hurt so much.

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  63. Thanks for your reply i am so confused about what to do next i know there is no way he can look after his children again on his own but do i stop all visits ? Myself and his mother( who does not yet know he is using again as i only found out 2 days ago) said if he used again we would all walk away from him as we couldnt take any more pain and upset from him, but how do i tell two small children they wont see there daddy any more ? I hate him so much but i still care for him at the same time (if that makes sense) I dont want my children hating me in later life for stopping cotact with there dad, our worlds have just been turned upside down again because of him and cocaine. I feel like we are back to the begining and i am trying to be strong but i am a mess inside.

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    • You need to tell your kids that Daddy is sick and needs to get better. Don’t over-share information that could potentially damage their future relationship with him. Try not to let them see you get angry with him, but do not defend him either. I know it is not easy to ride a fine line like that, and it is unfair to expect you to be perfect but think of it from their point of view. Good luck!

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  64. Wow.
    It has been like therapy coming here. I now completely understand the actions of my ex now. I didn’t realize how much cocaine ruins a person.
    I have felt sorry for him that he can’t handle our separation without drugs. Now I realize he can’t handle life without drugs.
    I feel really good about myself now because I have been struggling and he has appeared not to be.
    I dread the day it kills him and everyone finds out the truth, if my daughter is old enough to understand how will she cope? I wish it wasn’t such an easy to hide drug. I have lost ‘our’ friends but he is losing his life.

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      • I’m laying in bed thinking of what I need to do. It has been too long. I’m scared. I’ve been married 12 years. I married him at 18yrs old. We have 3 children. The youngest is 18mos. He has been addicted to cocaine about 10yrs. I just can not take it anymore. He went to a drug rehab in 2008 for a whole year, went back about a year after graduation for 30 days because he relapsed. The last time, I sent him to another city for 30 days to another program, hoping again this would be the last time. I have kicked him out countless times. I have gotten restraining orders. I have gotten physical with him. Always to end up taking him back because I believe his tears and I want our family to stay together. But I always end up here… Arguing, depressed, investigating…. He works full time with a lot of overtime. He does drugs at work because it’s graveyard and nobody is there. He Denys it but I know he does. He has come home from work high and I see his call logs and he always calls the dealer around lunch time. He tries to be involved in our oldest sons life but the drugs always take priority. He has missed baseball games and no longer makes effort to practice with him. He blames it on all the hours he works. But I work full time and juggle cooking, errands, sports… And my little ones are 3 and 18mos!!! I stretch myself everyday! But of course he always has an excuse. He will pretend he is sleeping in the room when he gets back from his grave shifts but I know he is high and secluding himself. I caught him several times, finding it under the bed or in a closet. He gets angry when he has to give me money on payday. Mood swings. When we fight, we both cut very deep with our words. It has gotten physical from both of us before. If he is not at work, he has snuck out at night to go get his drugs…. All of this and he couples it with another addiction! Pornagraphy!!! He does the coke to masturbate to porn on his cell phone. Everytime, and I mean everytime, I open his internet on his phone when he leaves it lying around, PORN. I’m not sure which addiction is worse. Before he worked this graveyard shift,
        We would stay up late or sneak out of the bed. I knew he was in coke and watching porn and often try to have sex with my in the middle of the night. He would deny he was in drugs but I could literally feel it through his body. Now that he is working this grave shift, sex is now rarely occurring. I’m sure he jacks off all day at work while on coke. Then comes home to sleep when he can… Wake up to go to work again. It’s becoming overwhelming now. This has been going on, on and off, for 10 years. The good times have only been when he has felt like he is really going to lose his family and he will try to do good. It seems to only last 4 days at most… Then it’s back to the chase. I have caught him in hotel rooms. I will never know if he is alone in there because he would not open the door. The hotel thing is recent. Started about 6 mos ago. It’s happened 4 times. He has said he’s at work or he has fled during a fight. He is hardly interested in the little boys life’s. Seems he tries on the very few days he is sober or awake but mostly just impatient with them. Anyway…. This is getting long…. I guess I just feel lost. Sad. Depressed. Alone. Why me. I’m a good person. I want nothing more than our little family…. I just can’t have it I guess. But it’s to the point now where attraction for him feels gone because he is so wrapped up in this pornography. It makes me feel low. It makes me feel not good enough. It gives me the lowest self-esteem. Most people who see me say I’m very pretty. I am skinny, I have nice body for having three kids. Smart. Great job. I’m not bragging about myself bur I do get a lot of attention from men and I never act on it but it’s like he’s attracted to everything that is not me. At least that’s what it seems like when I look at pornography he is watching. A few weeks ago when I was going through his phone, I noticed he was on the website where you can buy sex. It’s called the back door, if anyone about it. So now, it’s to the point, where I think he just isn’t doing it anymore. At this point, i feel like I have had enough. Now you are going to cheat on me physically? And I can’t deny it. I seen it. If I confront him about it, he will probably say that he was just “looking” but he would never ever do anything like that. Yeah, I have heard it before. I really do want to get out of this. I had panic attacks and severe anxiety that I’ve never had before. I know that I deserve better. It’s so hard to leave because he literally has nobody. Nobody. And when I have left before, he has only gotten worse, to be at my door crying. Trying to sneak in the house. Begging that he wants to change…. And then he would change, a very short while. Go to church,go to a class, Try to get involved with the kids. But it doesn’t last more than a week. I truly do not know how and where to start in getting out. And I have three kids with him so I feel like I’m always going to have to be in communication with him which makes it harder. I’m so confused as to what my next step needs to be but it needs to be fast because this is getting out of control and taking a severe toll on my health and my kids. Please help.

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      • And I feel like even if he goes to rehab again, it’s won’t work. He has been there 3 times. My kids are getting older. My oldest is 12 and I don’t want him to be effected. I have hung on because I don’t want him to be hurt from a divorce or messed up in the head because of all this… But I know he hears us fight. He notices dad isn’t involved much. I just blame it on work, just like he does to protect my sons heart. Gosh, it kills me. I don’t think things can ever be healed. I’ve lost all faith. He has hurt me so bad over the years. Beyond hurt. I don’t think it can be fixed ever

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      • And I feel like even if he goes to rehab again, it’s won’t work. He has been there 3 times. My kids are getting older. My oldest is 12 and I don’t want him to be effected. I have hung on because I don’t want him to be hurt from a divorce or messed up in the head because of all this… But I know he hears us fight. He notices dad isn’t involved much. I just blame it on work, just like he does to protect my sons heart. Gosh, it kills me. I don’t think things can ever be healed. I’ve lost all faith. He has hurt me so bad over the years. Beyond hurt. I don’t think it can be fixed ever …. This is what will happen. If I find a way to get him out the house and separate from him, he will probley get worse but in time, he will probley want to go to rehab again…. What do i do then?? Do I give up on him completely? That is when it will be the hardest for me. That’s where I need the advise!!!! God I feel like I am so messed up!!!!! I wish I didn’t have to go thru this!!!!!!!

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      • I am a recovering addict. He will stop when HE wants to stop- it has to come from within himself. Is he going to NA meetings? They are what worked for me- to know that others share exactly what is going on within my head. Therapy as well was the catalyst that showed me that I wasnt a mess and that I could get my life back together. It is never too late.

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  65. Matt thanks for the reply. I don’t know how I found this site but it is like therapy and I plan to go to the naranon classes that another gal posted. I found one near me…. Anyway, yes he has gone to classes but has never been consistent in them. He went a few times after he came back from rehab all 3 times. And he has gone to a class or two after I have given him a 100th ultimatum or after I have kicked him out and then let him home when he promises to change. But as soon as things are good between us, he will stop going. And if I get on him, he will say things like I’m bitching, I’m getting too involved, I’m being controlling ect….. I have gone and been commuted to therapy. He has gone a few times but only because I’ve forced him. And there have been times I show up to therapy and he is a no show 😦 last night we had a big fight over the same old thing…. We sent ugly texts back and forth while he was at work (graveyard) til about 2am. I expressed to him that he doesn’t even know his kids anymore. That he puts drugs before us, the marriage has turned to shit (which it has), how I don’t even want him touching me because he mind is corrupt with porn and I’m sick to my stomach…. It was ugly text war…. So when he comes home this morning, he comes with donuts, tried to lay next to me, took our oldest to the movies, went to the store and bought the little ones a pool, bought pizza and hung out with the family for a while. Then he says he needs to get sleep because he has to go back to work tonight. Ok, I do respect that. He does need to sleep IF HE WAS NORMAL! But the few times I needed to go in the room for some things, I can tell he was fake sleeping and his phone right next to him. So I believe he closed the door, prob did a line or two and watching porn on his phone. It’s a total mind mess for me, you have no idea. I just can’t allow this too much longer but I feel stuck. I don’t think he will change. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. The relationship has lost all substance

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    • Another big turning point for me was when my friends and family said ‘no more’. No more giving me money, no more letting me stay over, no more. I was told they would support a recovering addict but no longer would support an addict. I lost a lot of friends and a wife because of my addiction but i refuse to be self centered about it anymore and wallow in the misery. Took me 2 years . Everyone loves a ‘comeback kid’ and that is what your husband should strive to be. I am sorry to say that all the advice everyone is giving you on here is correct. He will not stop until he has reached rock bottom it seems. I dont know the situation 100% but he needs to commit to NA meetings and therapy. And by commit I mean go to a meeting every day for 90 days.Just when he thinks he doesnt need to go to anymore meetings because he feels ‘good’ is when he should go to a meeting- addiction is sneaky like that. Its a beast that hides and then gets you when you are weak and you think you are ok to do some more. Addicts are never ok. I promise him that it seems hard at first but it fast becomes the most wonderful thing in the world when you no longer crave or want or need the drugs. You realize you are not alone and you can strengthen your life and those around him will see it and know it when it starts. And also by experience, the porn and the addiction of cocaine seem to go hand and hand. The cocaine is a stimulant and it makes you want to access the taboo sometimes. Therapy helped me through all of this- god I love my therapist…. You would be surprised how talking about things is a HUGE help. There is a lot of work for your husband to do but it is by no means not possible. Hope this helps. Matt.

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      • Hi again Matt, but here is the thing. I feel he has hit rock bottom a few times. Back in 2008 when he went to rehab for 1 year, he went because I moved out with our son (only had 1 kid then) and moved with my parents and filed for separation. He stayed with his parents for about 2 months before he called me to tell me he was leaving to a program. He 100% lost his family. Wasn’t that rock bottom? And just this past Nov 2013, I kicked him out, changed the locks and got a restraining order. He was gone for about 2 months. Finally he called me one night sobbing (well he would call a lot but I thought this call sounded different). He asked me to meet him at church and lunch the next day. We had lunch and I seriously believed him when he said he was done. I remember him saying that if he didn’t stop, his body was telling him that he was going to die. Long talk later and tears later, I let him come home. He went to a few classes, church and talked to a old friend from rehab. A few weeks later, he relapsed. So my point is, I feel like maybe it’s time for me to accept his loss like so many others on this site have. The hardest part is my kids not having that “family” … That “father” in our home. plus it would take some serious counseling to repair the marriage. I think years. And I don’t think he will last that long. He blames his job a lot. He works 60-67 hrs a week so he will always tell me he doesn’t have time. But he sure does make time to use. I don’t even know how he functions at times.

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      • He needs to stop working and concentrate on his recovery. If I were you, I would leave him out of your life until he is a year in recovery. If not take your losses and make it permanent. Go to the NA support groups, you will find others, many of them sadly, who are in your predicament or who have been. That is a HUGE support system. You are not alone. Your husband is functioning because of the drugs. That is why he needs to stop working and concentrate on his surviving. I am actually surprised he is still employed. I went my whole life well employed and when my addiction got out of hand I lost 4 jobs in 2 years. Not fun. Your husband needs to meditate, go to therapy, go to meetings. First of all, he needs to get into Detox for a week and just get away from what his habits are now. A week without the drug will do wonders. But, this is not your cause , it is his. You need to go talk to someone about this. Talking is healing. So is writing in a journal. If your husband does not stop he will either end up in jail, dead or in a mental facility. That is the ugly truth. I now counsel addicts and speak at meetings so I have seen my fair share. My answer to being in recovery- I got angry one night. I stopped seeing myself as the victim and I got really mad at myself and the drug. That started my healing . I then started therapy and started being honest with my therapist- very honest. Like, I am talking, tears and sobbing honest. What a relief. I wish you the very best and the most incredible love and support from up here in Canada . Lean on your friends and family, go to the support meetings so you understand you are not alone and talk and write. All great healers of the soul. Addiction can be beaten, but is a LOT of hard work and soul searching by the recovering addict. Cocaine is not so much a physical addiction as it is a mental one. This is easier sometimes and much harder in others. Be strong and remember to take care of your needs as well. Matt.

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  66. Amazing I have felt so lost, I was high school sweethearts with my ex. He is on meth now. I explained to a few friends it felt like he died. I am pretty alone now. No desire to be with anyone. Lost friendships they just don’t feel the same.

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    • Olivia,
      I read your notes and it immediately took me back to a place I also have been.
      This will be a time of emotional strain, your trust has been taken and you will inevitably find it so hard. My desire to connect with people also disappeared and it hurt like hell you have been treated terribly. You can get through this and what you are feeling is grief in many forms.You have made a great step to talk to people that have also experienced this pain.We are all here for you. I almost lost my life due to actions from my husband on this drug.You do have a future and time is and will be your healer.It has been a year since I left with just what I was wearing I didn’t know how my life was going to continue , but it has and you to will get there.Your life is valuable and you deserve to live it happily .Its so hard try to be strong and stand back and analyse what you have sadly experienced , you didn’t deserve it .Its just tragic this is a drug that will destroy and has no conscience and leaves a wake of devastation .
      Amongst all the pain and confusion you are now stepping out of the wake, this is your life now and you can be and will be happy you are brave , call for your angel and I promise you she/will hear you and guide you.Keep taking those steps as they will get bigger and stronger xx

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    • Sorry for the late reply Olivia. Trust is one of those things in a relationship we cannot manufacture. If trust is lost, and it can quickly be lost, it can take a LONG time to rebuild. Only you know if you truly trust him and if you have doubts, even if he is clean, that will be something you have to work on. Whether you want to do all that work is up to you. If he doesn’t get help immediately and stay clean, I think it is a good indicator of future behavior. My best advice is to move on and take hold of a new life without this person. My best to you…

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  67. I’ve been with my husband for 26 years. I thought we both were just using cocaine on holidays. Then it turned in to every weekend. Then long weekends. It was making me crazy. Always thinking he was doing more than me, doing it behind my back. Running late for work every morning because I knew I’d be able to find his stash. About eight or ten years ago… I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so miserable that I kept seeing myself hanging from a tree limb in our back yard. Deliberately creating an image that he would hopefully never forget. Then one day, we had a huge argument. I broke down and told him I couldn’t live like that anymore. That I felt like I was going crazy and that if he was going to continue to bring it in the house, I had to leave. He assured me that we would both stop together, it would be easier for us. What an absolute idiot I was. I kept thinking that he was using, I would ask him about it, he would deny it, I would feel guilty for not trusting him. Over and over and over….. Somehow we got in this crazy cycle of fighting, him telling me I had to leave – or scaring me out of the house. I spent at least a day ‘in hiding’ every holiday. I mean every holiday. I didn’t realize it, but he was using all along. I was terrified of him, with good reason. My ‘hideout’ would be a parking lot. I had a few favorites, parking lots that I knew he would never go to. I would park at the far end, and just sit there. Cry. Be Angry. I couldn’t tell my family that my husband was kicking me out. I couldn’t tell our friends, I didn’t want him to look bad. I did tell a few of my friends. They all wanted me to leave, I didn’t. Then one day, sitting in a parking lot, I thought, why don’t I see if I can find an apartment. One thing led to another and I filed for divorce and left him. I spent 7 weeks in a house, mowing grass for the first time in my life, sleeping on the floor, no television. Just me and my dog. I didn’t have to be afraid to come home. I was broke, but I was no longer broken. It was the most pleasant time I can remember of my adult life. Then he wanted to talk to me. He cried so much that there was a puddle on the hardwood floor in my new living room. He couldn’t believe that I would leave. He assured me that he would take drug tests weekly if I would just come back home. So I did. Because I love him and it hurts me to see him cry. To see him sad. I was home for a few weeks and I thought he was using again. I asked him about it, asked him about a drug test. That’s when he started acting like he was going to shoot himself or shoot us. I actually know what it’s like to be running from someone who I think is going to shoot me. I know what it’s like to fumble with a doorknob trying to get it open before someone comes out of the other room with a gun. I know what it’s like to run away from the person I love, thinking that a bullet is going to slam into my back. Every time this happened, he would always find me either walking or exhausted sitting in a parking lot. And I would get in the car and come back home. Anytime there was a story in the news about a murder/suicide, he would look over at me and say ‘And people wonder why that happens’. So, I finally just stopped asking him if he was using. I just shut down that ‘trust’ portion of the relationship. Whatever. So, about three years ago, he told me that I needed to make more money and be able to take care of myself. I thought I was contributing enough, but he’d gotten fired from a job years ago and I guess he wasn’t making enough money working with a friend. (?) Anyway, I went to school full time and worked full time and got an Associates Degree. The whole time I was in school, I thought, if I have to leave, at least I can take care of myself. Well, two weeks before I was to graduate, he had a series of seizures. The police came out because my husband was fighting with the paramedics. Long story short, he went to the hospital and I went to jail. The policeman told me I was looking at a minimum of two years because all of the ‘stuff’ they found in the house. (I could have said it wasn’t mine, but there was pot. And I was a pot smoker then) Mercifully, they dropped the charges to simple possession. I really had no clue about the extent of the other stuff. They said it looked like we were dealers, of several things. I still don’t know/understand. Am I just blind or stupid? So I started my new job, fresh out of school, full time – and I was doing community service. Once again without anybody knowing. I feel like there is so much that I have to ‘carry’. All I heard for the first few months after the seizures was that if I hadn’t been there, he’d be dead. On and on… he was quitting. I thought he’d started using again, and I’d ask him and he’d laugh and say ‘no’. I know that he is using. I know it. The mood swings, the sniffles and stopped up head, the selfishness, the mean stares, disappearing. I don’t want to hurt him, but I am just done. I’m thinking of moving in with my mom and grandmother. I’m scared. I’m afraid that I’ll just waste all of that energy moving out, just to turn around and move back in with him.

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  68. anyone else feel that you are being cheated on with the drug? Might as well be other women….and I know he won’t stop so I guess I have to summon the strength to stop crying wolf and really leave. Apparently I am in the wrong because it’s not a big deal and I don’t give him the space to go and have fun with his friends…but he CANNOT go out for a drink without doing lines of coke!

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  69. Anonymous, I know it’s frustrating… But I don’t know what the answer is. A friend told me once that he would never love me like he loved cocaine. But that doesn’t change how much I love him. Yes, I feel like I’m being cheated on. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of a decent life experience at this stage of the game. But it’s my own fault for staying.

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  70. The comments in here i truly understand. I am 6mth pregnant with a 5yr old and my husband of 11years has abandoned us all for his love of cocaine… i refused to enable him this month and lend him more money i wont get back or pay his car finance for him and his family have turned on me also… i didnt want him to leave but he had to chose the coke or me and he chose coke. I dunno what the future has instore for me now. Good luck to you all on your own journeys

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  71. On February 15, 2014, I lost my 18-year-old nephew to an overdose of cocaine. A young boy who had it all, nice new car, full time job, in college to be a doctor, and all for the love of cocaine he didn’t make it to his 19th birthday . Our family will never ever get over this, watching him on a ventilator for a week while he remained lifeless.. If this sharing I am doing with you helps ONE PERSON, JUST ONE PERSON, get off this, then it’s worth the pain it takes me to share it.. Love you MT..

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    • I’m so sorry for your loss… and that I didn’t reply sooner. Thank you for sharing. I am going to self-publish this blog and will include your comment.

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  72. 😥 we broke up after a year perfect went to bad,’ he used cocaine quite often he cheated and lied, constantley.verbal abuse.. I felt crazy I lost it in the end and hit out at him,he had broke me to pieces……we stayed in touch via text,o went on a journey of self imoproivment and found the real ,me,….I thought he was doing the same so we arranged to see each other again on the Saturday, but he used cocaine on the Friday I just know when he has it,he wasent intrestedf in me…I love him but he loves cocaine’and o was hope full of a healthy relationship,
    I need to turn my back because I have made brill progress in my self and I have 2 children not his tho what am I to do he’s 27,works full time and owes wages to dealers every other WK

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    • you answered your own questions. You know he loves drugs more than your relationship right now. You have no choice but to turn away. Just be there for him if he decides to get help. He may need a friend. But keep yourself as the first priority. You don’t want to spend your life with someone you don’t trust. Believe me. Good luck.

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  73. I echo whomever it was that said this site is like therapy. I read the posts, and I cry every time I do. I am 5 months pregnant with my second child. The first is 18 months. The other four he has range in ages from 3-10, all from the same poor woman who may or may not understand he’s an addict but who has put up with his shit for far longer than she should have. His cocaine use has damaged 8 lives, plus his own. We are currently not together. He is too busy with his first loves, booze & coke.
    I did not realize the coke problem was as bad as it was until a mutual friend (probably our only mutual friend – not surprisingly he doesn’t have many friends, and all of mine are sick of our twisted relationship so I barely see them and I am busy being a single mom) told me he was using – she knew because she was a former user, 20 years ago. He went to rehab after spending a night in jail after committing a B&E at my house in the middle of the night while my toddler and I slept – he was obviously out on a binge and had paranoid delusions that I might have someone else in my bed. As sad as it is that I am not alone, there is some comfort here among people who understand these delusions and how untrue they are without me feeling like I have to defend myself.
    Anyway, my laundry list of shitty things he’s done is just as long as the next “Coke Widow’s”. Rotten, horrible things. Behavior I wouldn’t normally put up with – and as stupid as it sounds, when he’s clean and sober we are wonderful together. People on the outside always comment on how happy we look together. Now I know he goes out drinking then on a binge. The signs were right there in front of me, but I blamed other things in his life for affecting his behavior. How naive of me.
    After rehab, he found out I was pregnant again. I gave him another chance. A couple weeks of bliss then he started drinking. Then in front of the kids. I told him I was out – no drinking. Then he apologized and begged me back. Took me out on a nice date. Spent the day with our son while I worked.
    On Thanksgiving (I’m in Canada), he obviously wasn’t welcome with my family so he went drinking, which clearly turned into a binge because I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. Then a couple of days later, he got verbally abusive with me. Luckily my son was staying at his grandma’s house – his other four were upstairs in bed. I grabbed my shoes and purse and ran out the door – him cursing at me and blaming me for “taking off all of the time” and not letting me leave. How ironic is that? I leave to avoid his bullshit confrontation and get blamed for being the one who “disappears”. You all know what I am talking about – how they disappear on or after a binge. He followed me to my house, leaving his kids home alone, and threatened me he would be back to “see who I had coming over”. He just doesn’t get that the coke has turned him into a raging asshole, and I have had enough of the abuse. He left, then kept calling me, calling me names, and begging me to come back. I did go back, he said I could leave again, but then when I went to leave again, he held my car door open and touched my face with his fingers in a way that made me feel like he wanted to hit me. Disgusting, filthy, trashy behavior. He texted me to “enjoy my night”, as if pregnant women go out & party and I had no reason to be upset. That was the last I have heard from him. Over a month ago.
    I am so HURT. ANGRY. BETRAYED. CONFUSED. CONFLICTED. I start family therapy this week through his rehab centre. I appreciate that he came clean to me about his addiction. But, now that I know that is the cause of his abusive behavior and that he is actually making a choice to use and be this way, it has evoked a new strength in me to persevere and shut him out. He always goes away for months then comes back to me. I am trying my hardest to stand by my word to myself and not take back this addict – all an addict is is a shell of a person, a body that moves through the world with no purpose or meaning. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but after all I have been through, this is how I feel. I used to be compassionate and loving towards him, but now I just can’t. I feel like we commemorated 60 days of being clean, but that was all a lie. He’s nothing but a lying deceptive cheater and piece of shit stuck inside a human body where there should be a good, loyal family man. It’s too bad he’ll never hit bottom – he has a business that brings in more than enough money to support his habit, pay for rounds for everyone at the bar, and support his family.
    We have separated before, I was alone and pregnant with our first son, while he played a back and forth game between me & his ex with whom he has 4 kids. It’s a shitty situation to be in. He wants me to feel guilty about the fact that he wasn’t there for our son’s birth, yet I hadn’t heard from him for 5 months because he was busy juggling his complicated life of being an alcoholic and an addict and faking it with his other kids. Everything is so fake! I’m sorry this is long and I should end now, but even if no one has read this far, I feel better for having a forum to vent, somewhere people know what I’ve been through and understand it’s not as easy as others think to just say goodbye & let go of someone you love. Thank you.

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    • Sorry I haven’t replied sooner. I hope you are doing better now, although I know it is hard. Please let us know how it’s going. Bless you!

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    • Dear hopefull. Your name says it all- never lose that. I am a recovering addict- have been clean quite a while- and it took full surrender for me to finally get it. This meant- dropping all responsibilities and going to detox and then rehab and admitting I was sick. Rehab changed my life. It gave me the opportunity to take a step back and look at myself and for once- take care of myself. The cravings are gone but recovery has become a part of my life. I am now an inspirational speaker at the Rehabs in the city. I lost everything- twice- to this disease. Only YOU can make the change, nobody else. You have to want it. But believe me when I say it, when you make that choice to get help, and i mean serious help, not just detox- it will change your life. For the better. All the bad stuff will fade into the past and you will finally look forward to the future. Guilt and Shame are what this disease feeds on- take that away. Be in control of your future and reach out to your area for a rehab, go to an NA meeting, talk to a therapist or someone close to you. I promise you , it will get so much better over time. But, you have to ask. And you have to surrender. Share your thoughts, your pain- you are not alone!. Share them so that they cease to have so much power and then you will start to heal…..I hope this helps. Matty.

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  74. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to tell their stories here. It gives me indescribable comfort to know that I am not along in this struggle. Best wishes to everyone.

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  75. So I met the man I called “My Edward” 4 years ago this April. I fell in love with him instantly. We enjoyed our time and life and families together. We blended our girls 10 and 17 and made a family and conjuned eachothers larger families. I was oblivious to any drug but “weed”. Thought cocaine was only in the movies…well I soon found out it was ALOT closer than I thought. He used cocaine on weekends…one fateful night (while our kids were at friends houses) I said ok let me see what this hype is about! Soooo I tried it and LOVED it, funfilled sex and endless amounts of energy…well the 20 times I’ve done it werent worth the realization of what its all about. I stopped havent touched it in over a year…he has of course continued….I am now 5 months pregnant with his child…he has cheated with an escort and lies ALL THE TIME! Tells me he is sorry and he loves me,that everything will be fine and good for a couple weeks! Then back to the same old crap…He owns his own company so he just takes off all the time and he can. The pain of betrayal and the mental anguish of constant put downs and let downs…but all the while there is always a smile on my face for our girls and our families! Always sweeping up the mess under the carpet so no one can tell. The only person who feels and feels my anguish is God, the poor baby growing inside bounces as I cry. Just feels sooooo amazing to tell someone anyone what I feel. Thanks for listening.

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    • Thank you for your comment. I am going to self-publish this blog with additional information for those who are seeking help for addiction. Out of curiosity would you be interested in sharing this type of book with your patients?

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  76. This is all new to me, my husband has been using cocaine for 4 months now. He’s trying to stop on his own as he says he can do it. He’s relapsed once already and was only clean a week. I can’t believe how this has changed him into a different person and turned our once loving home upside down. Had anyone seen there husband get clean and return to his normal self ??? Thanks all

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    • Relapse is a part of it and until he decides to get help and go to meetings, he probably will not stay clean. This isn’t something you can just stop on your own. My ex is not the same… I haven’t been lucky enough to find someone who has “returned to their normal self” … Even if they are clean, the compulsion to use is something they will always have. I’m sorry but it isn’t likely that he will be exactly the same person. But if he gets help there is always hope. Bless you.

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  77. Reading these stories has overwhelme me my husband of two years is a addict and has disappear on me and my two son who are 1&6 I don’t know why this had to happene to me I’m so hurt he has become so abusive towards me I haven’t heard from him almost a month now Im really thinking about a divorce I love him but the trust is gone he has lie,steal, cheat in ect. This has taken a tore on me the kids keep asking about him but I know this marriage is no longer healthy we have been evicted twice in just recently I was serve a eviction notices but I took care of it

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  78. My boyfriend has been using for quite a while (he is 28yrs old and I am 26). He claims that he has come a long way for our future from doing drugs (cocaine and others) everyday to now doing cocaine twice-three times a month- two months (from what I am aware of). He used to hide it from me but lately for the passed year he has been doing it while we are out together. A few minutes before he gets high he comes up to me and tells me he’s not going to do anything and he loves me, few minutes later he uses. He says that he can’t say no to it. He changes his phone number frequently to rid himself of his drug friends just for them to eventually get the new number. He has expressed he needs help but I feel very alone in helping him because his family has given up. He has been in an inpatient rehab a few years ago but that didn’t help. I do feel like he does really want to change this time. I found him a list of therapists etc. but I am stepping back for a little. I don’t know if I should leave or stay. I see the hurt in his eyes and believe that he wants to change. We have goals set for our future together but can’t achieve them this way. He wakes up for work everyday and does go weeks without it but still cant say no. He also knows that drinking triggers his need and he still drinks excessively. I told him I can’t see him until he gets help. I know an addict needs to change for themselves and I don’t want him to feel pressured by me and go back to it because its not for himself. I love him a lot I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel lost and stuck.

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    • I’m sorry it took me so long to reply. I hope things are better. I think you are smart to step back. Rehab is not a quick fix so you have to wait and see how he is doing. He has to be aware of his chances of relapse and make every effort not to go there. If he is not at that point yet, I doubt he is capable of maintaining the kind of relationship you need. Let me know how it’s going and good luck!

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  79. Hi. I am in a relationship with my partner of 9 years. She had always used coke before we got together. But in the past 1-2 years its got really out of control. Spending nearly all her money and running up credit card bills. Its caused so many arguments and just tonight a massive one at a friends wedding. She couldn’t even make it through the meal without sniffing her beloved fucking coke. I really care for her but I think I’ve had enough. She won’t stop. Last week she probably used it 5 days. Its so sad. Tonight she started crying saying it was to deal with the loss of her sister, 12 years ago, and says her sister would be so disgusting and disappointed with her. I love her but I don’t think I can go on living with her. Its affecting every part of her life… And mine too. I seriously worried she’s going to die from this. I don’t know what to do. Please help….any advice. N.

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    • I’m sorry you have to see a person you love destroying themselves but you know that is what she is doing. You could try to find her someone to talk to, or a rehab facility… but If she won’t take the help there is nothing you can do. I know it is hard to let go but if it has gotten so bad that she cannot attend a wedding, you are not in a functional relationship. If she is drowning in self-destruction all you can do is throw her a life preserver. It is up to her to grap it. You deserve better. I know nine years is a long time… and she cannot change her mindset overnight. If she decides to go to rehab it is going to be a long process… and if she has been using the entire time you have known her, then you might have to wait until she is clean to see who she is without cocaine. She may be a completely different person. Good luck and keep me posted.

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  80. Hello, I am 30 years old in a relationship with my partner of 8 years who is 34. We have been living together for 3 years this coming November. We aren’t married nor do we have kids in common. He has 2 girls, 13 & 9. When I met him I knew his drug of choice was cocaine. At the time I was into partying and I smoked weed. About 2 years into our relationship I stopped doing drugs and realized I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

    Well he never stopped. He would use cocaine when he drank which was every weekend. But I didn’t think it was a big deal because he maintained healthy relationships with his family and he never slacked at work. He is very responsible in that aspect.

    During the first few months of us living together, I found out he was still using (found baggies in his pants). I felt sick to my stomach, one of the conditions to our living arrangement was he was stop doing drugs. I gave him a chance and another and another. Like you say, it becomes a cycle. Our relationship consists of highs and lows ALL the time. One week we are good, the next is total chaos. He has outbursts of anger for the smallest things that I think shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

    Now almost 3 years later, I found baggies again. I didn’t feel sick to my stomach anymore, just sadness. I realized he is never going to change because he doesn’t want to make the change. He doesn’t want to better himself. I have tried changing him and have tried different ways to address this situation but I feel like I have failed. I do not accept failure, everything I do in my life I put my all into it and I expect positive outcomes. This is very hard for me to accept. It is embarrassing that I have spent so much time and energy into a situation that has not progressed at all!!! He has progressed somewhat, is not a heavy drinker anymore, but I am not sure about the drugs, maybe he can go weeks without it, but it’s still a problem for me.

    The worst part is this…..he was arrested in January of this year along with my brother. It’s an ongoing case…he has yet to be found guilty or not. My brother is sitting in jail since January, my parents could not bail him out as this was his 2nd time being busted. Supposedly, my boyfriend was just giving him a ride and he didn’t know about the drugs that were picked up at the place where he took him.

    Okay, his dad bailed him out, hired an expensive lawyer (15k that he still owes half probably), put up a house for bail bond, and he is still USING!!!!! This is a 34 yr old man, with 2 kids…. I feel he is not good at handling stressful situations and resorts to using cocaine/drinking.

    So with all that, you would think that he would be scared to go to jail (he has never been arrested or spent time in prison) and completely stop, but he hasn’t. I don’t know when he last used, I found the baggies in his pants he wore over the weekend. They might be old or they are fresh who knows? He has court tomorrow for this pending case, and he has to report for pre-trial duties which consist of a drug test. For the past 2 or 3 months he has not been tested, but I fear his luck will run out tomorrow. He is such a bad person to me sometimes I wish he’d be found guilty and spend time in prison in order to better himself and realized how much his actions and behavior have hurt me.

    I opened my business around the same time this occurred in January and things were not going well for awhile. I am in the transportation industry and have a hard time finding good drivers to hire. He has been paying rent and bills by himself for the last 6 months. So I don’t know what to do. Our apt rent is really high and right now I cannot pay it by myself. I don’t know if I should kick him out since he is doing things I don’t agree with or if I should leave or speak to his dad about this. I already called his lawyer and made him aware of my discovery this morning. I am not planning on staying there tonight. I have made other arrangements. It makes me sick to my stomach so realize I have spent 3 yrs living with a person who is so ungrateful!

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    • I honestly get where your coming from!!! It’s madness to stay in such a relationship knowing what probably a lot of us do??!! I really believe to move forward and not accept being treated in this way is more about our personal issues, self esteem and self worth and man it’s so difficult to maintain those…

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  81. These stories are all so intense and overwhelming. I admire you all for sharing your personal experiences, they really put things in perspective. A great blog with much love and support. Hoping you all will find balance in life and happiness

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  82. You think I would have learned about manipulation, deceit, dishonesty and every trait that comes with an alcohol dependant person after 15 years?! After we separated I started a new relationship with a man I’d know in my younger years… Honestly ‘the grass is not always greener on the other side’!! Guess what folks I’ve went bigger and better this time (let the drum role). I found out in the second year of our relationship that he would ‘do’ drugs when we were out but I didn’t know a lot about them at that stage.. However, his sneakiness, lies and overall deceit caused huge problems and many times our relationship ended! It was only after several weeks he got in touch again and had the ability to manipulate each situation leading to our breakup as if it was my fault!!’ I’ve just realised our whole 4 year relationship has been based on lies, deceit and finding out that continuous urinary tract infections may be caused by (and may I quote the Doctor basically unsafe SEX!!!) he actually asked me had I numerous partners??!!!From my long term relationship it was just him! So do the maths people not only does the honest to God love of my life cheat (hand on heart I believed he loved and was commited to me) he not only drained my finances due to many tragic events (said by him) but has given me at the least an STI infection… Yip love certainly can be blind! But unfortunately I still love him but the love of his life is cocaine, so I do admit defeat as there is not fight left in me now as I know I’ll never win against it…

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  83. Hello. I met my husband 12 years ago, he was clean, then using, but he stopped and i went through hell then. My mother almost write me off and my family, people could not believe i could stand by this man, but he came right. And he always said it was because of my love and Gods grace. He came clean and we have been tigether for 10 years. Everything healed, we have s girgeous 7 and 3 year old. Through all of this time i took a back seat, worked my but of so he could fulfill his dreams, bring very proud of him. But 2, maybe silently 4 years ago it all started again. He sold his park, the whole weddingring…..not paying builders while renovating our housr….long story. But he started blaming me of having affairs. Snd in febr one of his aquintenses that is 15 years younger than me stayed over at our house. He was high on druggs, but said as he pretended to sleep the first night i looked into this persons room and looked again. And from this 2 months later believes that i had an affair, to the point that he has harrAssed this person, sat day and night on binary codes to try and prove his theory. Everyday coming with new rubbish to state his case. Now i havd gone for polygraphe test ect ect. He is so mean to me but he actually believes himself. I will never do something like that, i dont live my live for my worst enemy to think that if me. He is continiouing his behaviour and has spread these rumours and tell me thats why he cant stop using now, because i betrayed him. This hurts me deeply, because i have always just stood by him and basically gave my whole life to him, he is even the first and last person iv ever been with. He treats ne horribly and call me whore, most disgusting human being alive, how could i do this to him. Meanwhile stealing everything we have, im already in so much dept because of him, he just dont take responsibility and blame me. He went to a rehab for a month and came back with same stories. It really teally hurts.

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    • Hi.. Im new to this blog… By reading ur story..its best to leave him.. cauz cocaine addicts make up such stories and blame their partner for the use… My story is at the bottom… been there… jus divorced my 6 years husband cauz of his addiction… I know it must be hard as u have kids.. but for the safety or ur kids and urself.. u have to take a step.. U are smart and independent women… u can do it.. HE will suffer by losing u… he doesnt understand it now cauz he takes u for granted… BELIEVE me if u ll stay with him for 10 more years… he wont change.. and YOU know this too.. u have given him many chances.. u helped him financially, morally, emotionally… but he did not change.. he changed for a bit and came bak to his ADDICTION life… U really think u deserve someone like him???? U posted in 2015.. and its 2017 now… How u doing now???

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  84. I am crying for help I reunited back with my husband in December 13th 2015 just knew we will be the happiest people in the world but unfortunately my husband deceive me by not telling me he was durning cocaine,I’m so hurt by this he lay in the bed and I can be nake smelling good looking sexy and he will not get hard or touch me he put the covers between us he doesn’t hold me it makes me feel unloved not appreciate, nasty filthy when I love him so much I asked him what was wrong he don’t want to talk about it I was feeling that it was someone else but he assured me that it’s not I’m so unhappy I feel so alone so without affection and i
    need love so bad what can I do when I can’t get it from my husband i my love him very much please tell me please help me I don’t want to divorce him because I love him but I’m dying inside what can I do it is so painful and hurtful please somebody tell me what can I do
    we do not have sex we have only had it once and that was December 13th durning our renewal of our wedding vows here it is now January 2016 there is no affection and I feel very alone I feel offended and hurt because this is not a marriage and I just don’t know what to do please somebody tell me should I divorce him or try to work through the marriage he is not willing to talk about this is hurtful sometime I feel as if he’s with someone and we get into argument and he tell me that he is not and he love me how can you love someone you don’t have that bond of fulfilling compassionate love toward your wifen so please help me understand sad and blue and don’t know what to do I am 54 years old what can I do

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    • The only thing you can do is separate yourself from him until you see that he is willing to get help and stick with it. Otherwise he will continue to lie to you. Your heart is broken and I wish you well… but do not remain in a place where you are likely to be hurt even more. Don’t wait until you lose everything. I experienced the same lack of affection and it is maddening. But with heavy cocaine usage the male anatomy doesn’t work like it is supposed to. He cannot feel stimulated by you. Don’t take it personal. A healthy well-adjusted man would love to have a loving partner like you. I hope it works out but guard your heart carefully and prepare for the worst, just in case. Let me know how you are doing.

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  85. I am at the point where I need to leave or be swallowed. I am a stay at home mom, we had our own business, and though my husband has been an addict our whole relationship, he has also been a good provider, and just been lucky I guess.

    Currently he is gone, his grandfathers funeral services are today. I drove around for hours looking for him. He is suppose to be a pallbearer tomorrow. I get that it is not my fault he isn’t showing up, but I still feel so guilty. Just by being attached to him, I feel so bad that he is doing this, and feel ashamed to be attached to someone like him. We went downhill fast, he went downhill fast. And I’m being completely screwed trying to figure out all the details. All I know is we live in a house we can no longer afford, own a car we can no longer afford, and have way too many bills. The amount of loneliness and abandonment I feel is consuming. I have to try my hardest to not cry, to get up, get my kids ready for school, make sure homework gets done, and all I can feel is that life as we know it is imploding and soon they will feel the effects too. They are only 7 & 4, still young to understand… but know something is up. He’s never home. When he is he is asleep, when he’s trying to leave he is fighting for keys and money. His counselor says I need to leave, file a separation, either kick him out of his house, he owns, or find a new place to live. Does he not get that these option are not even options. I haven’t worked in forever, my youngest is only in school 3 days a week and gets out at 2:00. What job is going to be ok with this schedule? Preschool and aftercare all cost more money. Money I won’t be able to make. I am currently trying to find job openings. I know everything needs to change but at the same time feel to scared to dive in. I know my husband, I know he is not himself right now. Part of me hurts so badly for him bc I see him struggeling with what he has done and I think he feels like he screwed up to much, that it doesn’t matter anymore, that he can’t be better. And it hurts my heart, It hurts my heart for the man who truly loved and cared about our kids and had the biggest heart for them. But then the other part of me is filled with hatred. He has screwed me. He has taken all of our money and made it inaccessible to me, bc he knows I am trying to make it inaccessible to him. I am left alone to deal with it all, to deal with the hurt the kids feel, the anger they feel when they try to call and he doesn’t answer, or the promises that are never filled. I’m mad that I’m the only one fighting for him, Im mad that he thinks its ok to just give up. I feel so betrayed, so lied to. When we met I was young, young 20’s. I thought I knew sooo much, and he was so magnetic. I mean he just pulled you in. I didn’t understand his addiction, I didn’t understand the hold it had on him. I thought i could make it work, that we could fix it. Then I got pregnant. Then I was just trying to make it work so we could have a family. We got married and tried to do the right things. He had good months, he had bad months. I kept thinking it would work out. We have been married for 7 years, which isn’t very long, but I guess long for some people these days. I fight now because my kids love him so I fight for them. I advise anyone in this situation, pre children…. to get out of it. After kids, things get messier and you are just trying to keep your head over water, and keep the hurt down to a minimum. You tend to give up your own happiness for the sake of your kids. If we didn’t have kids, I would have left. I have given up so much happiness. I have lost so much of myself dealing with this. Addicts are like vacummes. They will suck everything from you, emotional, mental physical…. all you have bc they don’t have enough on their own. They are so empty, they take yours.

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  86. I am currently going thru a divorce. My husband has left the house 2months ago. He is a heavy cocaine user. I have been struggling with his hallucinations and accusations for 2 years now.. The only difference was that before he would call me or even come to bother me and now he doesn’t even call.. I asked myself is this God answering my prayers? I’ve done everything from counceling to reporting him to probation. Where he came out dirty and sent him to weekly counceling . He lied to counselor telling her that the reason he came out dirty was because I had gone and put a divorce on him.. I spoke to counceIer and the following week she told me that he had given her orders not to disclose any inf. to me. I remember asking God would to remove him from my life because this is not what I wanted for me or my kids. Now he is gone and I miss him and want to help him. What do u suggest?

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    • I have hesitated to address spirituality in this blog because I do not practice an organized religion. But the day before my ex left in the back of a cop car, I had prayed to God to take him out of our life because I feared I could not resist the desire to kill myself. Maybe it was just timing, but I believe this is a door opened for you at the right time. Run through that door and find a new life with your children, for your children if no one else.

      Like

  87. It’s 2016..the future! Anyone here? I’m finally really freaking angry. Finally at 40.
    At 17 I met the love of all my lives. He was wonderful. He was very successful and had plenty of money for drugs that I have never tried.
    At 18, our son-my only child was born. About a month later my husband died in rehab.

    Again, I am 40. I have only loved this man. People have said I am talented and pretty and a good catch but how would I know? All I see is sadness in my face and I haven’t had much success making money beyond what it takes. At one point my son and I were homeless for having no money. At another point I moved in with my folks to be assaulted by my own Dad when my financial burden on them got too great after many months.

    My son is in college and okay.
    I honestly am waiting to die- I thought to be able to finally have my husband back–I tell him I love him before I fall asleep and think of him hundreds of times a day– but now- at least today, I am looking forward to seeing him to tell him just how much he hurt me.

    His life was praised. My life was wasted. And I was clean. He was not. I have suffered so much in this and really, if I get before God, am going to tell him/her “no more! No more suffering! It’s unbearable what people go through! It has to end NOW!”

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  88. Hi from Irene again.
    These posts I have so much empathy for. Please every one of you know, from the bottom of my soul, I am pulling for you!
    I will not forget.

    I want to say something else to clarify my first post which is that my husband had been a serious serious Coke user for exactly the amount of time I was alive. Like to the week of my conception in my mom is when he started. He had 17 years of hard core abuse in his background when I met him.

    He went to rehab not because I found anything wrong with him but he was always so sick sounding and I was worried he wouldn’t live long. So he went to rehab. On his own. Didn’t tell anyone but me and he died there. It was too much for his body to quit that fast.

    So, you see, this is my twin flame.
    Please, if you are reading this and do drugs because of a bad childhood, a lot of pressure in life, a lot of sadness and lack of love–
    PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! PLEASE, someone like me who would love you to pieces every day just to put you back together and do it again may be coming for you!
    Don’t ever give up on yourself.
    I am so sad! I don’t want anyone to feel this.
    I swear, if ever I can get God’s ear, I will do anything to end this suffering for us all and make sure you all are happy. But I am just a person too!
    I care about all of you. Hold on! Do as much good for others with your life and trust you will be rewarded for your patience and strength!

    Like

    • I’m so sorry for your loss. Moving on is essential for you. I hope you can come to terms with it. I also appreciate your kind words as I’m sure everyone who reads them will. I hope life gets better Irene. Keep me posted.

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  89. My husband and I have been married for 36 years we met at 15 in high school and got married at 22 that’s when I was introduced to cocaine and we have never stopped using I have 3 beautiful children and two grandchildren. It’s way too late for me to leave this marriage now. Is there anyway I can get off cocaine that is my biggest wish of my whole life is to be able to live it out not being addicted to anything does anyone have any advice?

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    • Both of you need to talk to a physician or counselor. I don’t know if a 12-step program is enough when you have been using for that long, but you need to learn to live without it. It won’t be easy. Please keep me posted.

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  90. I left this morning. It’s my birthday. We were meant to go away for the weekend but he got high and said he didn’t want to go.
    The love of my life can’t love me, he loves coke.
    Weve been together 3 years and I always knew he was a user but the last 6 months have gone from at a party to 3 times a week. The awful things that have been said, the frequent let downs and disappointments are just too much.
    I’m so scared, ive just wanted him, always him. Ive loved him every single second of every day. I’m so overwhelmingly sad and full of worries.. will he be ok. What if he apologises ? How will I say strong?
    will I be ok? I guess I know I will but I’m going to miss him more than anything. The man I love isn’t there anymore he’s just a shell

    I don’t know what I want from this or why I’m posting. I just need to know it’s the right decision and I’ll cope with this and I won’t regret leaving for the rest of my life

    Like

    • Sadcat,
      you have done the right thing. I left my husband and now three years on I know he had been taken by the drug. There is only one way and they have to want to help themselves.
      The drug shows cruelty and nothing more, do not allow it in to your life in any form it is like a raging fire it will destroy all in its path.
      I know how sad you are feeling right now, I have been there and confronted my inner pain for nearly three years , what I have seen and witnessed over my shoulder is awful. It caused me great suffering in a very dark lonely space .Keep walking and hold your head up high you are worth more far more. Don’t be taken in by the lies it produces it will provide you with real pain.
      Don’t stop walking and rebuilding your life and don’t let the weakness show. To love sometimes means to have the courage to say no and let go of once was.He will never be the same again, be strong .
      The lies of cocaine can peel away your delicate skin leaf by leaf until there is nothing left , its corrosive to your well being .Dig deep and keep your own grip this is the hardest time for you but I will promise you that one day you will see you did the right thing.
      Good luck

      Lola

      Like

      • Thank you lola, it seems that so many people are going through this
        I keep thinking I want to go home, I know I can’t there’s nothing there for me but pain. He broke up me on Xmas day on the 1st xmas we had together. I should have known then. I make light of it in my head so it doesn’t seem as bad because the sober days were the light in my eyes.
        Its all very raw, Your kind words have meant so much to me just now you won’t even know how much

        Like

  91. The Fox

    One night I took a little Fox in from the cold.
    She was a tough little thing, with all of her scars.
    She was beautiful.
    I cared for her.
    She would sleep beside me.
    She was safe and she was happy.
    Every day, I knew it would be harder and harder
    for her to return to the wild.
    It would be harder still for me to let her go.
    My home had changed, since she had arrived.
    I was not as lonely and it was exciting.
    She could not surrender to the confines of my house.
    She had brought the wild in with her.
    The day that I opened the door, our hearts sank, as she left.
    I loved her, but I could not accept her wild.
    Her wild was tearing my home apart.
    I close my eyes and cry.
    She is not a Fox.
    She is the woman that I love.
    She is an addict.
    I will always love her.
    I will always hate the wild.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello. I need advise !! My ex bf was addicted to cocaine and he still is. While i was with him i experienced a lot of suffering. Everything that has been mentioned above, i witnessed myself. I Remember i would feel a void inside myself while with him because he was empty and careless. I love him anyhow and showed a lot of compassion. I even read the bible to him or talked about God to him but everything went useless. After he left me, he found someone who would do everything for him and now she gets drunk with him . She is my opposite. I was sad and traumatised , i wished he came back but NO! I also thought their relationship couldn’t survive but they went to live together shortly after and they are still together now after 4 years!! I found out they soon will get married. I feel like a failure. I am depressed…please give me advise!

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  92. My husband – a ‘recovering addict’ has been doing coke with our 23 year old son for the last 3 years. I just found out a few months ago. I told them they can go to rehab, stop, or get out. My husband stopped, my son slowed down. Now my husband is mad at me for not kicking my son out because he stopped and my son did not. What the hell do I do with that?

    Like

    • Since your husband is primarily responsible I would think it necessary for him to attend counseling. Along with you and your son of course. How much you want to emotionally invest in that is up to you. Do not let him make you feel guilty for your reaction to the situation. You are entitled to your feelings I wish you the best of luck. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing!

      Like

  93. Your story has brought tears. You have described the life of addicts and the women/men who love them better than anything I’ve ever seen. I lost my husband to cocaine 2 weeks ago. He had a heart attack in a traphouse. We were married 33 years. People tell me I’m”free” now. They don’t realize that an addict’s wife can never be free, even after the addict and his drug are gone.

    Like

    • Sorry it took me so long to reply. You hit the nail on the head that we will never be free. But it does get better. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you are taking care of yourself while trying to rebuild your life.

      Like

  94. Hi..This website jus came in as a blessing for me.. I mean it really gives me motivation… I read almost every1z story… sad stories… and mine is pretty much the same…
    Sorry for the long post… but i wanted to tell my story… and this page is perfect as every1 on this page can relate to this somehow…
    I was married for 6 years NO KIDS (thank god… in my situation)… I got married when i was 20 now after 6 years im getting a divorce. (got divorced a week ago)… because of his cocaine addiction… manyyyyy drugs.. weed, hash, mdma, and most importantly cocaine….
    I was engaged to him for an year and even then… but i never knew about his addiction..i only knew he did weed but occasionally…
    ANyways when we got married… he did not had sex with me on the wedding nite..( we dun hav sex b4 marriage) n said we ll do it on our honeymoon… wen we left fr our honeymoon.. he did sex twice mayb..He always wanted to make out n ejculate but not sex…he wanted to likck kiss my ass (nt other body parts) we tried having sex after soooo many months and even then he cudnt hav sex because he cudnt maintain his erection… after 4-5 years of marriage we had proper sex after physcatrists and doctors visits.. but still it seemed like he did nt enjoy it… because guys look forward to it… but it seemed like he did not enjoy it.. he just enjoyed making out… touching and kissing my ass… wanted to do from back but we cant as it is not allowed in our religion… but i always wondered why from the bak?? enjoy it from the front…
    Mayb because of his cocaine addiction or mayb he was gay.. im nt sure..
    he also use to get verbally and physically abusive… nice for 1-2 days then bad behaviour for the rest of the week… its like i dun knw tht person…. he lied to me a lottttttt.. about jobs… about friends.. he always had his call and message history deleted and if i ask him he use to say “i dun txt or call any1 except u” n i use to believe him.. but sumwhere in my heart i knew sumthingz wrong… he told me he sumtimes does mdma but he NEVER told me about cocaine… I left him cauz he lied to me about his work and i said im leaving u.. i came to my momz house and then after a week he came apologizing with his whole family that yea i lied and im sorry i dun wana loose u… n i ll b a better person and even then he did not confess he does cocaine… i was still at my momz place as i said u hav to prove me certain things… and he was trying to fix himself(as he said).. we use to c eachother on weekends… he seemed nice and apologetic and it seemed like this time he will fix himself and we will hav a good life together…mayb he was changd too or atleast trying to change but once he got confirm that i will come bak to his life cauz we were looking for our own place( we use to live with his parents as it is very common in south asian communities) then he went bak to it again… 1 day wen i was still at my mom house, i called him many times his fone was off.. no msg reply… nothing., i thoight mayb he was at work.. (but he didnt use to turn off his cell fone after all this happened) i went to his work and there i found out he wasnt there..he didnt come to work today… so i went to his house… he wasnt opening his bedroom door but somehow my mom n i managed to open the dooor and there we found him doing drugs.. but still he did not admit that he was doing drugs.. he said he was only smoking ciggarettes… i mean he still thought i was that stupid.. i hav been with him for 6 years i knw what high is… that day i decided that i have to dovorce him… he tried contacting me manyyy times… but i changed my phone num ber and blocked all communications frm him.. he recently texted my mom saying that he is changed but i did not respond because i know it is a lie and he lied to me manyyyyyy times in these 6 years… about cocaine, about jobs… and maybe who knows what else… wen i started working.. and he was working too then he was always short of money,,, but he use to say ohhh i had to giv my mom money or my frnd money etc etc and i use to believe him because i did not knew about his cocaine addiction… i never thought in my dreams that he would be doing cocaine….
    anyhow i suffered a lot…. but i learned that once a person is on cocaine… it is highly possible that the person wont change… He/She will for a while then they will relapse… IT IS NOT EASY TO QUIT COCAINE…..
    I just did not want to end the marriage because i would feel like a loser.. I did not wanted a failed marriage… but i was in soo much stress.. but once i was out from that hell.. i feel that i am free and i am relaxed,…… cauz he basically never really cared for me… physically abusive( i did not told my family about it too cauz i wud look like a loser) wen he was nt on drugs which is i guess 1 week or so then he was nice… wen he was on coke he was kinda nice… but withdrawl is soooo bad….I dont miss him.. but i miss him… u know what i mean.. i dun love that person.. but its just like a habit to live with him.. and now im nt living with him.. so i jus miss his cuddles, his making out sessions… his touch… But I HATE HIM for wat he did to me….. I cant and wont forgive him… Its just hard….
    I am very sorry for this long post.. this is not even the whole story… this is just a small summary of some of the moments which happend in my life..
    I am divorced now… I cant say im happy as no one wants a divorce.. But i am satisfied because i know he wont change…. even after giving him 6 years.. he did not change.. he jus lied to me over and over again… so its better to leave now before we hav kids together….
    i did the right thing right???

    Like

    • Yes!!! You did the right thing! Don’t look back. You have a bright future ahead of you. I’m happy you got out of that situation… It is hard but you deserve some who really loves you, someone who you can trust. Every day will be easier, I promise. Good luck in your new life.

      Like

      • Thank u… u are an inspiration and motivation to soo many ladies… I wish u all the best… By starting this blog, u helped soo many women like me… We all know its right to leave that kinda person.. but we still need someone to tell us again and again and from experience that YES U DID THE RIGHT THING TO MOVE ON…. 🙂 I still miss him cauz imy divorce is very recent but i miss him in a negative way but i still miss him… By looking at u and many others.. I guess time will heal me and I will miss him less day by day… I jus wana get married soon as i wana forget him and for that i need another man in my life..Im sure I ll be fine cauz i am very relaxed.. jus unhappy about my failed marriage.. cauz i tried for 6 years….. but still did not work out…
        I really am thankful to u… U have no idea how much of a blessing this blog is for people like me… May God give u lotssss of happiness…..

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